Saturday, April 10, 2010

The Food Vampire Strikes Again!

Why is it in the light of day I am little Mrs Perfect Bander but as soon as the sun falls I turn into a Food Vampire?  I mean I stalk my prey in the kitchen then suck the life out of it.  I really wish I could rip that sweet tooth out with a pair of pliers! UGH!  During the day I am not hungry and usually eat just what my tummy can handle (fish, cheese, other good for ya stuff)  But when the sun goes down that vampire in me comes out.  I want anything sweet.  I try to fill the craving with a sugar free fudgepop but lately I have been craving Ice cream from sonic so bad.  I got one taste and it was over now I am always wanting it.  BAD ROBIN! *smacks my nose with a newspaper*  I know its bad but sometimes I just want to forget excercise, food, and weight.  I just want to sit down and eat food like I used to.  Be able to eat without any pain or sliming!!

I seem to forget often that I am banded.  I went to go get some fast food (ya I know another newspaper smack)  I got a regular meal with no large size upgrade.  I took like 10 fries at the most and 4 nuggets and I had to put the nuggets away and hand over the fries to the BF.  So I have learned a little more that fast food is just a waste of my money (and calories)  From now on if I get anything fast food it will be a childs meal!  Plus my godchildren always love a new toy :)  When we order from my fav chinese resturant (Happiness Resturant ROX!)  It takes me ALL day to eat what I would have in 20 minutes preband.  That is a real feeling of accomplishment.  Plus the BF is getting results from my weight loss.  He is sweet and tries to stretch out his eating with me so I am not sitting alone eating way after hes done.  Plus he exercises on the Wii and we are both getting healthier.  He has lost weight and isnt eating as much as before because he doesnt want to eat bad things in front of me.  Plus my mom and some of the ladies from the needline have went on diets too.  It freaks me out when they ask me for advice lol  I am like really?  No one ever has looked at me and asked for health secrets.  I try to help as much as possible and try to share the things the nutritionists taught me.  But it just seems weird to be an inspiration to people.  I have ALWAYS been the poster girl for WHAT NOT TO DO!

I have noticed alot lately that I must be losing weight in my mouth area because I am speaking my mind more.  As an uber fat girl I never wanted to say anything to people because I needed all the people I could get.  I was afraid if my balls dropped and I spoke my mind that everyone would just turn around and leave and Id be all alone.  Thats not true at all.  It has shocked some people but I am going to continue dangling my new found balls all over the place.  I even smacked the BF in the face with them the other day.  (ok that mental picture was FUNNY)  I have just found I can ask for what I want and the world will not collapse in around me.  YAY!!  I plan to practice this some more.  Excuse me while I hula hoop just to watch my balls dangle ;) (wow i think i am falling in love with balls LOL)

I bought a new spring shirt from walmart just to make me feel pretty.  IT WORKED!  I wore it and my little black skirt with my rainbow sandels.  I put on my sunglasses to pull my hair back and a little eyeliner.  I looked at myself and thought damn girl you are looking good.  I also had a shock moment at my friends house.  She bought me a swim suit in a smaller size so I have something to work for this spring to get into.  The bottoms arent going to work at all.  My fat roll hangs out the side of it and SO NOT ATTRACTIVE TO ANYONE!  (it IS a 2 piece)  Never thought I would wear anything but shorts and a tshirt lol.  The top looked amazing (minus the ten tons of arm blubber that I cant stand)  I looked in the mirror and froze...was that really me?  WOW  I had a "you go girl" moment with myself.  I cant wait to have more moments like that.  I cant wait to walk into a store and shop around :)  I have always had a shopping fear because nothing ever fit.  Now I am finding things in a real store that fit and make me feel good WOOT!

Monday, April 5, 2010

Too much sunshine to be at a computer lol

Things have been going so good lately I have found myself not even sitting at the computer to write.  My weight loss is stuck but I am ok with that :)  Cant complain about being stuck in the 280s lol  I guess I think if I complain about it I will wake up weighing 400 pounds again.  So no complaints lol  This band thing and coming to terms with being under 300 is alot to handle sometimes.  I still see myself as that girl I was.  But my banded tummy knows better.

I just have to say that the band is CRAZY.  Every day is a new adventure.  I am never sure what Ill be able to eat from day to day.  I can eat someone out of house and home somedays and others it is a baby food day.  So how do you know you are at your sweet spot?  I mean somedays Id say yes Im there and then other days id say throw 5 more ccs in there doc.  Lately Ive been doing pretty good with the eating.  Other people can really see the difference in my eating.  Like easter dinner at my moms.  Me and my brother would race to see how many plates we could get down before we collapse into a food coma (he is like 160...butthead)  This time I filled the plate like I always do and ate like 2 bites of everything and was done.  I can no longer eat some of my favorite dishes which made me a little sad but its ok.  My mom makes french onion rice thats to die for.  I couldnt get that down, couldnt get ham down very easy, and the beans were a very bad idea.  But the brownie unfortunatly went down with ease ;)  But the family did work off the food by playing hours of wii.  We all left very sore and tired lol.

I have been getting to spend extra time with my sweetie lately which has been AWESOME!  I am so lucky to have such a wonderful man.  He will drive from a county away just because I am having a swiss cheese craving :)  My brother and his girlfriend and me and mitchell are all going out to the lakes for a hike this coming weekend.  I am looking forward to that.  Time with my brother, my sweetie, the sunshine, and my camera :D  I am blessed that is for sure. 

I miss you guys like mad!  I often think in my head "wonder how carmen and amanda are"  or "wonder how draz's whootananny is doing"  lol ok not really the last one (ok maybe once lol) but I often think of you guys.  I hope everything is going great for all of my blog buddies out there.  Hope the scales are treating you all right.  Now that the sun is back I see us all shedding pounds like crazy :)  I hope every single one of you get on the scale tomorrow and see at least 2 down :) BAM MAGIC DONE!  *big hugs*

Saturday, March 27, 2010

Their coming to take me away HA HA

Wow thanks to TOM I havent been able to eat very much at all for the last week.  So I hopped on the scale today and got 289!!!!!!  WOOT WOOT WOOT!!  Now that it has officially started I cant stop eating.  Last night before bed I ate a sugar free fudge pop, sugar free pudding, and a bowl of rice crispies. UGH  That was all after dinner.  Between stress and TOM my body doesnt know what in the world to do.  I got my car fixed today YAY!  So that is a little less stress right there.

I went for a drive in the country today just my camera and I.  I found this AWESOME old cemetery (told you I was attracted to the darker things in life *wink*) I got out of my car and went for a walk.  There were beautiful march flowers everywhere, the birds were chirping, sun was shining, and the ground was just moist enough to sink a little when you walk.  I enjoyed it so much that I broke the law and went trespassing in their woods :)  It was so beautiful back there it felt like I found a secret treasure!  I also found an animals skeleton (guessing a deer) And I got all the pics I could of it.  It was awesome cause it was death surrounded in life.  So i got exercise..not just my camera finger but a hike in the woods lol  I ave found if I make exercise something fun and productive I want to do it ALOT more.  Yesterday my best friend and I went for a walk and had girl talk.  We walked a long way but it didnt seem like it because girl talk makes everything else vanish.

Now for a question....What do you do when you get stuck??  I had one person tell me to take a drink and it will wash it on down.  Ok this does not work for me at all.  I cant have any kind of liquid while solids are in my stomach.  It just makes everything get stuck worse.  Like even if I am eating some watery green beans with food it will make everything stuck.  They told me I shouldnt drink with meals but I am a rule breaker and tried anyways.  Bad idea.  I have found that burping myself from the front works a little.  Cant do that in public of course.  I just use the same pressure as burping a baby but right on my sternum.  But what do I do in public because it hurts so bad.  It happened at my fav Thai resturant and my friend said I looked horrible while it was going on.  I get stuck alot and any advice is very appreciated.  How is it I can have a bite I know is smaller then the stoma and chew and it still get stuck?  I just dont understand this band sometimes!!

Tuesday, March 23, 2010


Here is that friday question thing.  I have had alot going on and need to get caught up with everything I missed.  Wish I had a rundown of everything lol

1. If you could be a weather forecast, what would you be and why?

I would be a beautiful spring day in the 70's.  Blue skies with the birds chirping.  Sunshine making everything so bright.  Those are the days I most love to go take pictures.  So that is what Id be :D

2. If you could be a crayon, what color would you be and why?

I would be midnight blue!  I am a bit of a dark person.  I have always gravitated towards the darker aspects of life.  But I can also make the stars in the sky pop out and look beautiful.  Which to me means I can take a picture of something very normal and bring out the beauty from my eyes to share it with others who might not see it.  (I am sure the more I write the more you guys are going to see me as a creepy cat lady LOL just to let u know I have no cats)  These questions make me fel special cause I am not that great at answering things but im trying ;)

3. What is/was your biggest physical goal you want to do when you hit your goal weight?

Me and the bf are already making alot of plans lol  I really want to go to an amusement park.  I have always been too fat to go on rides or walk through a big park and stand in long lines.  But I want to real bad.  I want to go on a roller coaster that goes really fast :)  I have a million and one things I want to do.  But Ill save that million for a blog sometime ;)

4. If you could be any animal, what would it be and why?

I would want to be my namesake.  I have always wished I was a bird so I could travel for free.  They see so much beauty.  I am in an arguement with a local bird right now because they are making a nest on top of my mailbox.  My mailbox gets lifted everyday so they cant have babies there.  But they are sooo beautiful.  And Id LOVEEEEEE getting tto migrate for the winter lol

5. Just because I’m new to some followers and I’m curious – let’s do a put it out there in black and white stat question.

What was your highest weight? 397
What is your weight now? 293
What is your goal weight if you have one? 170

What is your goal size if you have one? have no idea about small sizes lol
What diet/program/tool do you follow/have if any? I dont diet I liveit.
How did you lose the weight current to today? alot of work and tweaking what and how much I eat.  Diabeties made me do it lol

6. What’s your best advice for people in this weight loss journey?

Dont beat yourself up!!!!!!!!!!!!  No matter what you do in life you will make mistakes.  Learn to forgive yourself and move on.  If you fall off the band wagon you just have to stop and forgive yourself.  My next step is to halt down the band wagon and beat it with a baseball bat and hop back on.  Slow and steady wins the race my friends ;)

7. Have you ever shaved your whootananny?

YES IM ANSWERING IT!  Why yes I do makes me feel sexier ;)  Cant wait till I am smaller so it makes the whole process easier lol

Ok so I am late but there ya go!  Sorry I have been so bad about keeping up lately but I have crazy stuff going on.  I broke a belt in my tire by driving into a ditch at a friends house.  I also have stuff going on in my relationship, friends having issues, and trying to get this freakin house cleaned.  Please dont forget me!  You have all been on my mind :) *HUGS*

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Naughty by Nature!

Wow it has been a bit since I posted and I have missed some blog reading.  I tried to stay caught up but I have a bad case of spring cleaning.  So HOW??? can my house look worse now??  I cleaned out closets and stuff so I have crap all over the room.  I am trying to get motivated today to finish but ugh starting out real slow today.  It is a little past noon and I have nothing accomplished.  But Im sure it will kick in soon *hoping* 

I was very naughty on St Pattys Day (or as my friend calls it Vermins Day)!  I drank whiskey and celebrated irish style.  We were drinking irish whisky and singing pub music loud and obnoxious.  Yes this did show up on the scale.  But heck it was worth it.  It was so nice to sit around and not pay attention to anything else but having fun.  I was decked in my "if found return to pub" shirt, decked with shamrock beads, looking hot in my new jeans (which I got compliments on), and hair in piggy poofs.  I was in the mood for an adventure.  Lets just say I ended up having 6 shots (really 3 because I was taking it easy and using a tiny shot glass) NAUGHTY!  First shot was had by everyone in the bathroom so I was very close to a toilet in case of mishap.  How good are your friends when they all pile into a bathroom with you knowing it may be a messy adventure.  But all was good :)  I used to sit and drink a whole bottle by myself.  Let me just say those shots made me very loopy lol.  It has been a while since those days LOL  Good times were had thats for sure but the BF was scared to death about it all.  He thought for sure the whiskey was going to make me explode or something now that I have a band.  He even woke up and asked first thing next morning "are u ok?"  I was still good ;)

NSV ALERT!!!!!  I am a happy woman!  I now have to move my steering wheel down to drive :D  For a very long time I have kept it up to hide my fat roll under as I drove lol  I have always hated being fat and having to buy cars that "have enough room"  It was hard for me to fit behind the wheel and actually be able to move the wheel due to my fat roll falling through it.  Those days are further behind me as I lose weight.  Maybe one day I will buy a car because I like it and not because I can fit in it.  WOOT!

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

I believe!!!

I stepped on the scale today and it said 293!!  Woot!!

I have noticed a big change since my fill.  I AM starting to eat like a normal person should.  Ususally me and the BF would order 2 seperate meals and eat all of it.  The other night we ordered one meal and 2 soups from our local yummy chinese place.  Surprisingly we both got full.  I had 1 and a half meatballs, one mushroom, and my won ton soup.  I ordered there for lunch today.  Ok I more then love the place I am addicted lol.  I ate like 4 little peices of generals chicken, 1 crab rangoon, and my soup.  WHAT!! REALLY???  That wouldnt even be good enough for an appetizer before this surgery.  Now thats my meal?  I secretly LOVE IT!  Makes me feel like a real person instead of a bottomless pit for junk.  Ya I didnt count the calories or bash myself for unhealthy choices.  I figure if I eat small amounts and learn that first the rest will fall into place.

I havent had any candy junk since I broke down and ate the reeses egg so I am proud about that.  I even got the BF to drink a protein smoothie (made by me) with me.  He of course acted like he liked it then promptly drank a little less then half and said he was done lol  But I understand why because he is not used to that weird protein taste and I did over do it a bit.  Even I could taste the weirdness so he is forgiven ;) 

In general I am pretty happy I got this done.  The only time I hate it is when I am stuck.  And that is usually my fault anyways for not chewing enough.  I am getting a better hang of chewing and portions.  Well I am off here because the BF is here and wants to play some raving rabbids on the wii.  LOL Its too cute!  I didnt have much to say just wanted to stop in and say hi and share my new picture I did.


Saturday, March 13, 2010

I am having a rondon day sooo...

I am just going to talk about random stuff.  You might not want to read cause I am sure there wont be any substance! lol  How people who really have to deall with me on a daily basis put up with my random days Ill never know.  They look at me alot like an alien sometimes LOL

I was reading through blogs today.  Random days come with some major ADD so I got halfway through and my brain switched to wanting to write so I will do this till it switches again.  While reading the end of Kristins blog I was dieing laughing.  She mentioned a Cadbury Cream Egg.  I was not laughing at what she said because it was an awesome NSV for a person who loves them.  I was laughing at what a cadbury cream egg MEANS to me.  When I was younger I was a stinker.  My brother was the calm one who would sit in a corner with a toy for hours being good.  I was the one who would play with the toy, break it in less then 5 minutes, then be ready to climb walls again.  We are still the same.  He is the calm one unless he is mad.  I am still the wirey random one who cant stay calm for the life of me.  Ok well when we were younger I was never a fan of the eggs (im still not a fan)  Well I got one for easter and my crazy child mind didnt want it so it had to go somewhere.  The trsh wasnt artistic enough for me.  So I chose to smash it in my brothers bed.  He likes them so I guess I thought he wouldnt mind.  Well he found it along with my step dad at the time and I got the beating of a life time that I will never forget lol.  So for YEARS every Easter I get those freaking eggs!!  AHHH!  But on the plus side since I had this surgery maybe that crazy tradition will end.  Well heres to hoping.

Man I cant WAIT for spring to come.  I am looking forward to camping!  This last year was my first camping trip in the dead of summer and I did pretty good.  I also did cold camping this last year which I am not a fan of LOL  BRRRRR!  Thank goodness I had the heater I call a BF with me and a ton of blankets.  But spring is so perfect for camping.  We usually have to deal with rain but its ok if its kinda warm.  I totaly dig the smell of a campfire!!  I love swimming when its warm.  I grew up staying with my granny who lived on a lake so I learned to love the water very young.  She and my grampa were bass fisherpeople (go me ms pc here today lol)  They both were in tournaments and I enjoyed going in the boat.  But I can swim to the middle of a lake and back.  I love being way out.  It is so peaceful.  You feel like you are the only person in the world.  I use the time to stop and soak in the beauty of the trees and the pillows of clouds in the bright blue sky.  It is an amazing experience thats for sure.  So I have had a love affair with spring for most of my life lol (ok I just re read this paragraph and it jumps everywhere again Im sorry if your still reading this LOL)

Man I keep getting distracted by music!  I dont know whats wrong with me today but everytime I hear a song I want to dance.  I really suck at dancing but when Im alone I dont care lol  The more I lose weight the more I bop around the house.  Im sure I am a sight to see :)  Ok I think this is just going to go in a random downward spiral so I am going to stop now LOL!!!

Friday, March 12, 2010

Holy Restriction Buddha Band!!

Wow restriction is an amazing feeling!!!  That extreme snacking of the last week is fading thought now.  I am uber tight this morning.  It has taken me forever to try and finish this one cup of coffee.  I have also learned my big gulps of it are not a good thing.  Slow and steady wins the race right?  I have been at it for an hour and I am only half done.  This is deffinatly going to take some readjusting to.  Next on the menu is a yummy Mocha Latte shake :)  Glad others seem to like it too.  Carmen excited me when I read a comment and she was drinking one too.  I feel like I found a rare jewel and love sharing that with others :D  If ya hate that nasty protein shake taste and willing to try something new you should!  You really may find a new treat lol

I think while I was getting the band adjusted yesterday I got a small brain adjustment too.  I am going to stay at this being positive thing as much as possible.  I am really starting to learn that I have to find what is right for me.  And part of me is acceptng the fact I have pogo weight lol  Everyday my weight will bounce up then back down and repeat.  What matters is I really am on a downward spiral with my weight.  Even if I pop back up to 299 yesterday today I am 296 so not to bad :)  Whos to say what tomorrow shall bring...I am guessing down since im nursing this cup of coffee so freakin long.  But if its up again who cares!  I am doing good and I know I am :D BELIEVE!!  (I have a green wooden plaque right under my screen that says believe and it is bright green LOVE IT my new motto ;))

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Good day went scary!

Well ladies and gentlemen I HAVE MY FIRST FILL!  I have 2.5CCs in a 10 CC band.  I have to say I honestly thought you guys were just lucky.  A fill really is an easy thing (unless u have issues of course)  My mom kept telling me dont worry just a bee sting.  Well she was wrong I have actually had way more painful bee stings.  The only time I felt anything is when he broke the skin.  He didnt even warn me just did it like a pro.  He stuck the needle in and like others I have heard I had to stand up with the needle in my tummy.  He put alot in and told me to take a drink OMG it was stuck in my throat!!  If thats how overfill feels I dont need it lol.  He slowly took more out till the water went through easily.  He took the needle out and sent me on my way.  Wow.  I just keep waiting for something to be real painful because this has all seemed so easy (surgery wise)

I was helping my mom today at Needline answering phones and such.  Wasnt sure Id feel like going back afterwards but I felt great so I went back.  I had been there for about 2 hours and something started going real wrong.  (not with the band)  Apparently my sugar decided to take a nose dive.  To let you know I have been high I mean real high for a long time.  Now that I am losing weight and stuff the meds are becoming a bit much I think.  But all of a sudden I started to shake real bad and my brain went foggy and I felt like I was drunk in a dream.  I looked at my mom and just said something is wrong.  My mom knows me inside and out and that really scared her.  She said my eyes went blank like I wasnt there anymore.  That was the first time this ever happened to me.  I was scared and didnt know what to do.  They asked if I wanted a sprite lol I said no something see through no carbonation please.  All we could find was propel water.  I took some drinks of that and the fog cleared a little bit.  We were all so freaked out I called my dietician right there.  She told me I hit a low to find apple juice and drink 8 oz.  So the ladies went to the warehouse to search for juice.  They found some warm juice but it worked and tasted really good.

My mom had to follow me home cause I still felt drunk.  I swear it was so hard to concentrate on driving.  Luckily My house is the next road over.  She carried in my broth and newly aqquired apple juice.  Then she turned into mommy and made me get in bed and take a nap.  I slept from 4 till she called and woke me up at 9 to see how I was feeling.  I am honestly doing pretty darn good.  I had some yummy broth when I woke up and now Im enjoying a Mocha Latte protien drink mmm I feel like im being bad cause it is so good.  160 cals just seem worth it lol.  And it is sitting in my tummy.  Yes liquid my friends is sitting on my tummy!!  THANK THE SWEET RESTRICTION GODS!!!!!!!!

I feel like this is a new begining :)  Me and the little buddha band are finally starting to see eye to eye.  It has found my zen fill level.  WOOT! I have another fill next month if I need it which gives me a little relief just in case.  I am ready to see what me and little buddha can do when working together.  The name for my band came from my friends not me.  My nickname is Baby Buddha and has been since I was a lil kid.  My lifelong best friend Steph deemed me many years ago "Baby Buddha The Flexible Butterball"  The baby buddha stuck thank god the rest didnt lol  So my other friend said my band was little buddha and it is going to turn me in to little ghandi LOL  Ok I dunno if anyone else gets it but I found it beyond funny.  Ok we just might be a little crazy too lol

But needless to say (but i am gonna anyway) I CANT WAIT FOR THE SCALE TO MOVE ON DOWN!!!  And amanda u were right.  I was caught with cigs in my purse by the nurse.  It was by pure accident but I told her Yes I have been smoking but stopping everything just was really getting to me.  She said as long as I am not going crazy with it and dont mention it to the doctor lol  My nurse is the best really she is!!!  She always makes me feel so comfortable and like she is my friend not just some random nurse.  She celebrates my victories more then I do.  I lost 8 pounds since my last visit and I was let down because I knew I had gained 5 back or it would have been 13.  She said that 5 pounds was probably from my women issues Ive been having and not to be so sensative to the weight fluctuation (not sure about that spelling lol)  So maybe she is right.  If my scale goes up it is not always my fault.  If I am doing what I am supposed to and it goes up dont get depressed and drown my sorrows in a buffet.  She sees everyone who comes in there and if she says I am doing good and not to worry I am going to try not to.


I AM grateful

(PS They moved my fill from 3pm to 1pm AHHH!  I have less time to panic I feel cheated LOL ;))

I am stealing this from Drazil via Dinnerland because it is a great Idea.  As we all I know I have been in and out of funks lately.  I think from now on when I am sad or crabby I am going to sit and think of things to be grateful for till I puke with happiness or I pass out from exhaustion :)

Today, I am grateful for these things:

1) I have ears to hear the birds out side my door chirping.  I have eyes to see nature.  I can feel the breeze on my skin and smell the rain from last night.  I guess I am thankful I CAN do all of those.
2) I have so many people rooting for me to do good.  They are also good enough to forgive me when I dont.

3) I am blessed to have a great family.  Anytime I need something they are there to lend a hand.  Thank the gods for my mom or often I wouldnt make it.

4) I have a fill today so needless to say I am starting a new adventure.  Boy am I ready for some CCs in my band because I am feeling like I need it.

5) I HAVE COFFEE!!!!!!!!!!!
6) I am grateful for my band friends.  You wouldnt believe it but I brag about you guys constantly.  I am always saying to my mom blank blank said blank blank in the blogs.  So not only do you help me with info but her to cause we are both way new to all of this.
7) I am thankful I got a new Wii  I got it for Wii Fit Plus but still dont have that or the board.  I am pulling it together piece at a time ;)
8) I am blessed to have food in my belly (too much sometimes lol) a roof over my head, clean air to breathe, and a little extra spending money (when I have it lol)

9) I am grateful that I did not have to pay anything for my surgery.  I had it one month ago and have not really had to pay anything out of pocket except things needed for diet, vitamins, and shakes.  I am so glad I made the decision.  It was band or death really.
10) Last but not least I am soooo blessed to  be able to help people.  Volunteering is an awesome experience.  The people I meet come from all walks of life.  Most are in dire financial need.  These are people that 2 years ago had a great job and because of our economy are now poverish.  I know I sound like a broken record but remember your local community and their needs.  That could be you in a year needing their help. I have been there.  They helped me when I was down and out.  I refuse to not help when I am doing good now because there are plenty of others who arent.

Its Been A MONTH!

Wow  just got caught up on some blogs and it is so weird.  Nothing makes you feel better then to have people going through the same thing.  I noticed that there are alot of people in my same place and dealing with the same thing I am.  Yesterday I felt like such a loser.  Then I read some blogs and with every one I started feeling better and better.  The comments and other blogs made me realize I AM NOT alone.  And I AM NOT a failure.  I have a problem which as led me to where I am now.  That is why I have a band.  Not because I am not strong enough (even tho Im not lol) but because I have an addiction that I just havent yet got a handle on.I have to remember this takes time.  I am not going to wake up tomorrow weighing 250 as much as I want to.  Thank you all for making me feel better even when I am a little down in the dumps.  For those who commented it means a heap! 

One month ago today I was getting ready to head into the hospital for surgery.  It was a great day! 

I have a fill scheduled for the day.  Of course that has been on my mind so I have not slept since I got up yesterday.  I know it is not going to be too bad (or I hope)  My moods and energy level are still bouncing around also.  I hope this next month I learn to let some things go.  I also hope to learn CHEW CHEW CHEW!  I dont know what this fill is going to do for me but I hope it does something.  I feel so out of control with "hand to mouth"  I am not hungry per se just want to eat out of habit.  The same with smoking.  I had stopped smoking but now I am back up to half a pack.  Maybe once I get further on the LIVE-IT (not die it)  I will work more on the smoking thing again.  I cant go cold turkey on everything in my life all at one time.  Yes I do want to change all the things I dont like about me but maybe I should slow down or I may lose it all.

So I plan from now on to stop and take a breath and relax.  If I forget that guys remind me!  I am a bit forgetful sometimes and need extra reminders lol  So I think I am going to drink a half a pot of coffee and go volunteer at the food bank today.  Nothing like the smiley faces of the coworkers and customers to make my smile reappear :) 

Told you a posiitve to come!

1. Post the logo on your blog.

2. Pass the award on to 12 fellow bloggers.
3. Link the nominees
4. Let nominees know they have won this award by commenting on their blog.
5. Share the love and link to the person you received this award from.

I am soooo bad at all this so please forgive me for not doing link things but I do want you to know I am here and loving all of you guys.

I got this from more then one wonderful bandster.  I was so happy to see I was nominated and I promise to be a little more full of sunshine here real soon ;)  You bandsters make me happy and probably inspire me more then I ever could in return.  You guys are the ray of sunshine in my day *HUGS*

1  Workinprogress - She always seems to know just what to say to make me feel better about things!
2  Drazil- You keep me in stitches!
3  Amandakiska - her comments always make me smile :)
4  SandyLee-ya I know she got one already cause she gave it to me but I had to put her here cause she brings sunshine to my comments when im feeling blue
5  Ashli- She gives me inspiration
6  MandaPanda- She is such a sweetie  She is new to my blog but I dig her already :)
7  Bonnie- Love her comments!!!
8  Lonicera- Hope your enjoying talapia ;)
9  Canadian Bird-  A bandster by any other name would be as sweet But a fellow Robin is always fun.
10  Girl Bandit- Another person whos comments make me smile
11 Rebekah- She is often there to answer my questions Thanks *hugs*
12  Band Groupie - another person who helps me when I have no clue what Im doing lol

God I left out so many other names that I really feel like deserve this award.  I guess I am lucky to have the cream of the crop as followers.  If your name is not on the list please dont feel unappreciated because YOU ARE!!  The comments I get from you guys make me feel so much better about everything.  I guess thats why I come here is cause I know you guys make me feel better.  I wish I could give you all *hugs*

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Addiction Express CHEW CHEW!

I am so sick of having such an addictive personality.  It is such a fight to face addictions.  Relapse is something you have to fight everyday.  This is true in almost all addictions.  I have multiple addictions.  I call them addictions because I can do it without realizing and later be so angry with myself.  This band is a tool and will not do the work for me.  I have to learn to control my mind.  This food addiction is one of the hardest fights I have ever fought.  And this week I have failed.  WHYYY!!??  Why would I continually stuff food into my face knowing I have done so good.  I stabbed my own self right in the back.  I am having a hard time forgiving myself here.  I knew damn well I was doing the wrong thing but did it anyway.  I am coming on here to admit this to everyone because thats what I should do.  If I took drugs Id call an AA friend so you guys are my FA friends.  I stuffed junkie calorie ridden food right through my band and into my fat collection. 

Tomorrow I face the doctor, for my first fill, full of shame.  I am nervous about the fill because I hate needles.  But I am even more scared of facing him knowing what I have done.  I am going to have to speak to the dietician (because you have to for first 2 visits) and I wont lie to her.  Knowing my last visit was a great one and people were so proud makes that sooo hard.  I wish I could go in there with a great story of the wonderful things I am doing to work hard at losing weight.  I feel like a letdown to them and myself.  We have both worked so hard till lately then I just fell right off the bandwagon!

This like other relapses WILL NOT keep me from chugging on past it.  I screwed up.  Now I have to make it up to myself and I wll.  Watching the scale move up has been like little smacks in the face.  This will not be the last time I give in to an addiction I know that for sure.  I just have to admit what I did, be angry with myself, forgive mysef, and move on.  I will work with this fill I am getting tomorrow.  I am going back to the basics with liquid and maybe that will help me focus less on food. 

Sorry to be a Debbie Downer today but there will be positive to follow.  Im sure!!

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Im starting to love me more!

WARNING: This may be long I have alot of catching up lol

  Boy have I missed my blogger friends.  Its nice having you guys everyday to make me feel amazing.  So needless to say I was having a few withdrawls from you guys.  I have so much catching up. I doubt I will get caught up on all the blogs but I did miss you guys bunches and I am soooo glad to be back.  I hope everyone has been doing well and having great days!!

To start off with I am going to say I LOVE ME!! I am going to repeat this 30 times a day till I lose all my weight then I know I am going to believe it.  I have always hated myself.  I always felt like there was something wrong with me because crappy things were attracted to me like a magnet.  I knew for sure there was a tattoo on my head I coudnt see that said "Please treat me like SH*T" (please forgive my nasty word)  So much to the point I started treating MYSELF like that.  I stuffed my face day and night with all the wrong food.  I used drugs and alcohol like it was going out of style.  I smoked 2 packs of cigarettes a day.  *cant believe Im going to admit this to the world but I have to admit it to myself* I was very sexually charged and didnt care who or why I was doing what I was doing.  While I was doing all this I thought it was completely normal!!!

I now look back and see that it was all because I hated myself and didnt care if I lived or died.  I already felt dead inside so nothing could hurt me.  During these last couple years I have been trying to change my mentality.  I have always heard treat others the way you want to be treated.  I didnt understand all this being treated bad because I tried to be so nice to everyone.  I want that statement changed!  I want it to say "treat yourself like you want others to treat you"  If you treat yourself like you are nothing others will too.  If you treat yourself well then you will be more likely to see when someone is treating you wrong and get out of the situation.  That all started to sink in more when I left a mentally and physically abusive relationship.  I started to see that I deserved more good things then I was allowing myself to recieve or give myself.  More and more I am starting to love me.  I now could care less if no one else ever loves me.  I think I am a beautiful soul!!!!!!

Ok enough mental lesson now on to some fun things...
OMG guess what!!....are you thinking?...Did ya guess??  No ok no clues so prob not many good guesses LOL  I HAVE A PAIR OF JEANS!!! For my vacation I went to Eastern TN in the mountains to visit some friends.  My bff E is smaller then me and has been working hard the old fashion way to lose weight.  She let me into her closet for a try your size party.  I made her pick out her biggest clothes because i am quite a bit bigger but her biggest is size 28 jeans (already wore out so prob more like a 30)  Ok the last time I found jeans they were a 46 and a 44.  I had to go to cathrines and order them usually.  I FIT HER 28s!!!  I now own those pair of jeans because I went screaming and crying and jumping through her house.  I also got 2 new 2x shirts.  2x yes thats what I said so I am going to repeat that 2x!!!!!!!!!  I noticed though most of my 4x is getting pretty baggy.  Of course I didnt know any of this because I dont shop.  I hate stores because they always make me feel so much more fat and angry with myself.  So now I know and I am so happy.

Yesterday I got on the scale and saw a 295.  So you know I was happy with that.  I am so amazed at my body actually working with me.  I usually dont lose weight like this.  My most productive diet was a mixture of meth and excercise.  I lost 80 pounds but I didnt feel good about myself.  Thank god I will never deal with any of that again.  Now I have a new view on life and hope for the future.  Now that I am doing this the right way I feel like I should reward myself when I hit goals.  For everything I have accomplished till now I went and bought myself some flip flops, a new stuffed penguin (Another one of my "collections") lol, some jelly bracelets (yes I still wear those lol I sometimes forget it is 2000s now), and some word search books.  I think I deserved to buy myself stuff lol

I also learned that walking is becoming much easier.  We ended up going to walmart 3 times in one day and walking all over the place.  They just bought their first house so there is alot needed lol.  I used to have problems getting through walmart one time.  It was so big Id sit down half way and act like I was waiting for someone cause I was wore out.  Plus I have alot of medical issues (a few of which I really hope go away with the weight)  So it was pretty rough on me.  This weekend we went shopping to many places and 3 different walmart (1 of which was my fault cause I forgot to buy my shakes lol)  But I was so happy that I didnt have most of my usual issues.  I was real tired after all that but there were no sitting breaks.

#1  Is anyone else getting cold with weight loss?  I have always been really hot and lately I am noticing I need more clothes and the house temp a little higher.  When I am outside at night I feel like I am frozen straight through to my bones.  I just wondered if this is just something that happens with weight loss or maybe a band thing.

#2 I am having some pain with my major incision.  When I lay on my side I feel like I may rip in half.  Ok thats a bit dramatic but it is really uncomfortable.  I am not sure what is going on with that but I was wondering if anyone else had pain still after 3 weeks?  I get my first fill on the 11th of March and I am hoping that the pain is something normal and not something that may be wrong.

#3Did anyone else have a stitch sticking out of their skin?  I have one sticking out and I am afraid to do anything about it.  It gets real annoying because it catches on to stuff and feels really weird.  If you had the same problem what did u do?

#4  Did anyone use a product for reducing scars?  If you did when after surgery did u start and what product do you think works best?

I would really appreciate any answers.  I know what opinions are like lol but I love other peoples opinions.  5 brains are better then my half of one lol.  It is so great to be back! 

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Been on a mini vacation....

I have been gone for a while so thats why no blogs have been a flowin!  I have so much wonderfulness to share with you guys YAY.  But now I cannot cause the BF hasnt seen me in many days and he just wants to hang out.

I will be blogging real soon MWAHS!

Friday, February 26, 2010

*Robin is chirping a song*

Ok that is not only because it is a beautiful sunshine day with birds singing but thats also my real name ;)  Another little piece of info into me!  I am having a very very very good day.  From now on if I am having female issues I am coming straight to you guys to whine about it.  Just a warning lol.  I blog about it all whiney and BAM its gone!  THANK EVERYTHING IN EXISTENCE!  So I guess my horomanes went on break or vacation either way the break is way needed.

I woke up to suc a beautiful day.  It is cold but the sun is shining and the birds are chirping away.  I turned off the heat and opened the doors for a few just to let in fresh air even if it is crisp.  I am so glad I woke up in such a great mood like everything flipped while I slumbered.  It may also be because I woke up to a sweet kiss from my freshly showered sweetie before he headed out to work.  Ok that may have had alot to do with it.

I also woke up with this weird burst of energy today.  Letting some sun in helps alot too but wow.  I am totally digging this feeling.  I have cleaned a little and of course watching Ellen.  I LOVE HER!  I just feel like getting stuff done.  Another thing that made this a great start to a day is I hopped on the scale this morning and another pound down :D:D:D:D:D:D  296 296 296 WHAT A BEAUTIFUL NUMBER!  I decided to have faith and put it on my ticker and it told me I am bad at math.  Yesterday was 30 apparently and today is 31!!!  OMG!!!  REALLY???  I am sooo happy about that. 

I cant wait for spring to come!  Nothing makes me feel more alive and happy then sunshine and beauty.  I love spring because it is the perfect time to get out for a walk with the camera.  I am a nature photographer so spring brings out alot of beauty.  I feel creative and energetic.  Isnt that a beautiful combo?  I love watching the birds sing and build nests for their future.  Makes me want to buld my nest for the future.  I cant wait to get out with the BF for a trip to the lake for pictures or a camping trip with my brother to just get away. 

I hope everyone is having a great day!

2 weeks out today :)

AND 297 on the scale WOOT!  Thats 29 pounds!

Look at my Lemon Garlic Talapia!  YUMMY!!!!!  Yaya me.  I am not a good cook so I was worried but it came out so perfect I had to take a picture of the yummyness!

I got a new crockpot today!!  My sweet BF bought it for me as a late valentines present.  So we decided to grab some roast, potatoes, carrots, and onions mmmmm  Thanks to all the wonderful people who told me to get one lol.  I only had a few problems with the meat getting stuck but that was probably my fault for eating to fast considering it was My first solid food in 3 weeks and tastey to boot.

Sorry this is short but the bf wants to be hanging out and not have me at the computer all night LOL

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

I need help (in so many way)

First of all WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!!!!  I am not usually a real typical girl and have alot of tomboy issues lol  For the last couple days everything has been making me cry.  While reading alot of the blogs here I will be sitting here crying so hard I think the keyboards going to short out.  I read one tonight about a reached NSV of no longer over eating and I balled like a newborn.  No there is nothng sad going on in my life really everything is going well.  I sat and listened to music tonight and started crying again.  I think they took the band off my emotions and put it on my tummy. 

I have come to the conclusin that it has to be my horomones really out of whack.  As most of you who have been reading a while know I have issues talking about girly issues but I feel pretty comfortable here so here I go (sorry guys)  A week before surgery I started the girly time and IT HASNT STOPPED!  Tomorrow will be 2 weeks out.  That is 3 weeks!!  Did anyone else have this problem?  Is it because of losing weight?  Oh god and I think I will just melt into the floor if I have to ask my male doc this question!  I can barely talk to him without freaking out now and I am not sure why.  But to actually have to ask about this is going to kill me.  So I am really hoping you guys may have an answer.

I am an awful cook due to the fact I have always microwaved or gone for fast food.  Only months before surgery did I start using an oven.  I mess up alot but you have to mess up to learn.  Tonight I am going to try to cook Lemon Garlic Talapia.  Heres to hoping this turns out well!  If not I will just have to keep trying till I figure out this cooking thing.

As of tomorrow I am going to soft foods and not sure if I will change much of what I eat.  I am going to try this fish thing and that is my first time eating something more then taters and baby food.  Hope it goes well considering I am sooooo not used to this band thing.  I have never felt what full feels like so I am never sure what I am feeling.  I know when I take my vitamin or eat more solid foods it feels like I ate a brick. Maybe that is what full feels like but I just dont know.  I hope me and my body get more in sync soon so I know what the heck it is doing.

You know that stupid scale I was yelling about giving me the 305 the other day.  Well it apologized with a 298 today.  I dont know what that weird fluke was but it apologized and of course I accepted.  I have a feeling I am going to move this love/hate relationship with food and put it on my scale.  (I think my scale just rolled its eyes at me)  But I am dffinatly going to try cutting back on scale whoring.  I told my mom I weigh myself like 4 or more times a day and I thought her head was going to explode.  She told me I will just get myself down when I see it go up all day.  So maybe she is right (she is my perfect mother after all) so I am going through some scale withdrawl already.  I have only weighed 2 times today because I gave in but no more!

Thank you all so much for making me feel better in my last post.  You just dont know how happy all the comments make me feel.  I am not sure how you guys stay so positive all the time but thats what I want to do.  I want to try to be positive and happy.  I have never cared about myself.  I am changing alot of things in my life and trying to care more.  Those who read the facts about me I put up may have more insight as to why I have had a problem.  But I now know I deserve more.  I deserve to love me even if no one else wanted to.  I am blessed to have so many great people in my life and now you guys!  Reading your blogs and comments help me figure out myself and my body.  THANK YOU! 

P.S.  How in the world do I put the blogger award thing on the right side of my page?  I think it is pretty and I was told I could have it lol  If someone could let me in on the info id appreciate it ;)

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

bye bye 299

Well ok I was angry at myself today but after reading a certain blog I am not so angry anymore.  I felt like such a loser because I was at 299 the other day and was so happy I called people and wrote people to let them know.  Then that evil little piece of poop gave me the big 305 today!  UGH!  REALLY!!??!!  *enter sad pouty having a childs fit face here*  I wanted to smash the scale into a wall and just sit and cry.  People keep telling me how great I look and I just want to say well tell my tummy that so it will go back down. 

I seriously dont know how I could freakin gain weight.  My tummy has been so crazy I am having a hard time getting much of any thing else down but taters and baby food.  Right now my tummy is growling so loud I am sure the neighbor just looked around his apartment wondering where the strange noises are coming from.  Today I have had an atkins mocha latte shake, a stage 1 jar of bananas, and some bites of some jello sugar free choco mousse.  I am sure by the end of the night ill have some taters and maybe some more bananas or maybe a sugar free pudding cup.  Really?  That is gonna make me fat?  I was losing weight eating 2 cheeseburgers a day 3 weeks before my surgery.  So wtf?  Did I do the wrong thing?  Maybe I should have kept at it by myself.  But I know me way to well in a few months I would have given up completely and went to live at McDs.

I just dont think I have ever felt this frustrated.  I feel like everyone is looking at me and waiting for me to fail AGAIN!  And here I go giving fuel for the fire.  I know that I need to give it time because I am not even or just at 2 weeks out.  Maybe I should just stop looking at the scale.  My first thought (which I stopped) after the 305 was grrr screw it im going to get a freakin cheesburger if I am just going to gain anyways.  That thinking got me to 397 in the first place and I wont let it get me down dammit!  I will fight for my right to be the shrinking fat gurl!  I have been fat all my life and I am so impatient to get to 250 at least.  Id settle for 299 again right now. 

Wow ok that is a pitiful post so I am throwing some good stuff in here.  I got a new LG neon phone yesterday which makes me giddy as a school girl.  It is lime green and white with a slider keyboard :D  I also got a new funny book called "The Vampire Seduction Handbook"  So now I must find a vampire to seduce cause I have the right tools lol.  My mom got me some smelly goods from B&B works mmm Japanese cherry blossom  I got body spray, 2 lotions, and a room spray which tickled me pink.  She also got me a few other small treats like chop sticks, eyeliner (I really needed that I am so close to out and that is the only makeup I wear and I have to cause my eyes dissapear lol), a new buddha incense burner, and some awesome shot glasses.  Have I mentioned how awesome my mom is?  Well SHE IS!  And to pay back her awesomeness I went and helped her out today with a boring senior program job :)  But it was nice cause everyone there is on a diet so I dont feel out of place :D

Might not be a beautiful blogger but..

I really wanted to maybe give more info about myself so I am not just some random person.  I am sure ya dont want to know too much but a little info about me could only help he he he (and maybe show I am not really this crazy random girl lol ok I really am)

1.  I am the biggest mommas girl in the whole world.  Without her in my life I really wouldnt be here in many ways.  Not only did she give birth to me but she has saved my life more then once.  When I was 16 I had slit both my wrists and my mom walked in my room minutes later.  She usually would never just walk in my room because she believes in privacy.  She is my angel!  (that wasnt supposed to be sad its a happy thing in my mind)

2.  I am an actress and photographer.  I appeared in an indie film called "Goodbye Wendell" I also did behind the scenes photos and was the production assistant.  I figure maybe if someone cant see beauty maybe through my eyes they can :D  Photography is a gift to see beauty in the most common objects.  Acting has always been my releasebecause you dont have to be yourself.  You can become a whole new person.

3.  I have some major hoarding tendencies that I am trying to recover from.  Some of you know about my food hoardingbut it doesnt stop there.  I also "collect" (lol) bathrrom supplies, cleaning supplies, stuff for my many collections (shot glasses, buddhas, skulls ect), and clothes.  I have been working real hard at this and have thrown away alot more stuff lately :D

4.  I have 3 beautiful godchildren.  Gil is my crazy boy and the youngest.  I cant pick him up right now and he does not like that.  But he can already beat me up with his buffness so I have to wait lol  Loly is my youngest goddaughter and my little princess.  She always cheers me up with her hugs, kisses, and pretty drawings.  She knows my favorite color and uses it in every picture.  And then there is my lou lou!  She is my teenage (nd first) god daughter.  She is so smart and unique!  She is way ahead of her class mates and has always been next to genuis.  She makes me so proud!  Her mother and I have said for years I must really be her dad because she is alot like me.  I also have a new baby in my life.  I am her second godmother but love her just the same.  My little ducky baby never fails to make me melt with her smile.  When I have children I would be proud if they turned out like my wonderful godchildren.

5.  When I was younger I was a little less then a hundred pounds heavier.  I was called the stinky kid because I was fat and poor.  That led to an obsession with good smelling things.  I have a ton of lotion, purfume, candles, sprays, and incense.  I wont leave my hose without spraying purfume on me and if I forget I will turn around and come back if my back up supplies arent in the car.  I used to be so crazy that id have purfume stashed EVERYWHERE!  There is not a room in my house that does not have at least 2-3 different scents to choose from to spray.  Ok I warned you I am a crazy one ;)  And way too truthful for my own good.

(I really hope half of you havent clicked delete already lol  I know the other half is just as crazy so heres to hoping :D)

6.I am falling in love with baby food.  I dont know about meals and what not but their fruits are something awesome.  I am a fruit adddict and may make this (baby food) a part of my future diet.  If you havent tried any yet the next time your there pick up a fruit treat from your baby Isle (organic of course)  Strawberry banana is a personal favorite of mine :) 

7.  I am a true Gemini!  I have duel personalities.  I like to look at them as the dark side and the light side.  You can really tell this when you enter my house.  First of all I live in a zero bedroom house and if you dont know what that is it is a room with a kitchen and a bathroom attached.  I split my room into bedroom and office.  Ok when you walk in bedroom side of the room is decorated in skulls and a huge vampire girl poster.  My kitchen is stars with some suns and moons.  My office is decorated with Buddhas (the fat happy one I have like 150 of them), shot glasses, and books of course.  My bathroom is decorated with animated happy penquins.  There is a different feeling everywhere u walk lol

(I am sure I am the only one left here!  I am sure some have fallen asleep and others noticed there were so many better things to do with their time LOL  And if you have hung in you get a gold star!!!)

8.  I volunteer at my local food bank.  Not only because I love being there and interactin and helping people but my mom is a caseworker there.  You would not believe all the people in your community that need help.  We offer everything from food, personal items, help with rent and utilities, all the way to emergency housing for domestic abuse survivors.  It has to be one of the most rewarding parts of my life!  When you have a grown man come in crying like a baby because he feels like he is letting down his family cause he has no job, making him smile will make your week or month.  The rewards you get from helping a mother of 3 who is struggling to feed her children is amazing.  Changing the life of a woman with children straight from the hospital after her husband beating her almost to death changes your life!  I would beg of you to make yourself feel amazing and completely change the life of another person donate to your local food bank or non profit that benifits your local community.  You never know you could be next.

(this is the last one I SWEAR!  If you have made it through you deserve a 4 pound weight loss today!)

9.  I AM A SURVIVOR!!  I have touched death and lived through alot of major things.  I survived child sexual abuse by a family member.  It brought me closest to death when I tried to end my life due to not being able to cope.  I am a survivor of domestic abuse.  I was strong and left him with alot of support from the people who love me.  I was knee boarding and the rope got wrapped around my neck and dragged behind a boat.  I was watching as the board came closer to my head and the boat engine died.  I have often thought I have angels on my side.  As a child I watched my mom, brother, and I get beat daily by a very abusive man.  It changed all of our lives and brought us closer together but it was hard.  When I was a child my mother was an alcoholic and drug addict which made her become abusive.  She gave her life to god and is a new woman now.  She is now an amazing woman I really look up to.  I have survived drugs and alcohol myself.  When I was a teenager I almost died due to inhaling spray paint.  Not smart but I survived!  There are so many more times I could talk about.  This has proven to me I am a strong woman!!!!!!!  If I can make it through all of this I can do anything.  Thats what gives me strength to make it throught my daily struggles with food and my weight.

Ok if you made it this far you must be the angel looking over me lol.  But I would like to thank all of you beautiful people I have met on here.  You all feel like my real friends.  Your comments make my day!!  Coming here and having new comments is better then a cheeseburger.  I dont have the best brain in the world and some of you have really been helping me out.  When I ask questions its because I really have no clue.  I would feel so alone without you guys.  There are only 2 people I know with the lapband one is a computer friend and the other is a good friend who lives across the state.  I see him maybe 2 times a year.  When I do I bombard him with questions.  So I am sure he appreciates you guys too lol ;)  If you know anyone who doesnt have me as a friend let them know about me.  Nothing makes me happier then a new friend and someone who understands what I am going through!

I hope you guys dont mind me doing this even though I wasnt nominated.  I really just wanted you guys to get to know me a little since I have been learning about you guys through the BB thing.  If this is breaking a rule or I need to take this down please let me know cause I did it out of fun not disrespect.  And thanks for reading *BIG HUGS*  Ohhhh #10 I am a hugger big time ;)  I hug online and off.  Nothing says I care to me more than a friendly hug.

Monday, February 22, 2010

bright as a burnt out lightbulb!

Have you ever just forgot that you have a band?  Ok maybe it is because I am my own super brand of special but I was not thinking.  Well now that I am thinking about it, not thinking has got me to where I am today im sure.  This morning I got up and in a half asleep stuper I grabbed a banana.  Let me remind you I am in the mushy stage right now.  Yes this banana was way ripe and in its own mushy stage but NOT ENOUGH!  As soon as I took 2 bites I was awake and apparently stuck.  Wow what a feeling that was.  It was a mix between gas, an asthma attack, and a heart attack.  I have never had that feeling and it scared me to DEATH!  So needless to say the bananas went straight into the trash as not to make that mistake again.  And I went out and bought some baby food ones that are suprisingly yummy. 

Id really like to thank you all who left comments on my cheeseburger post and left such awesome ideas.  I am now looking forward to real food time to make my own burger "with lettuce bun" :D  I might not be as good as McDs but hey least I know whats going into my mouth!  I was watching inside edition sometime and they scared me with resturants.  I never thought about "where have these trays been"  They showed le level of bacteria growing on the trays.  They found large amounts of fecel matter and whatnot UGH *insert green face here*  the more I find out about fast food the less it appeals to me.  I have also had friends that work at fast food jobs and their stories are enough to make anyone stop. 

Do all of you banded people drink the hot beverage in the morning?  I havent been doing this the last couple days and it seems I am having more sticking problems.  I really need to get a hold on the chew chew chew thing.  I have always inhaled my food.  I am the typical fat girl people talk about. I mostly fit the stereotype lol.  Inhale food check inhale drink check hide in the corner eat 2 boxes of little debbies check.  Little debbie is evil!!  McDs is evil!  Man when I look back I have really not cared about myself ever.  Thats sad.

God I am missing my cereal right now and oatmeal just isnt the same. mmmm raisin bran...speaking of... do any of you have problems with raisins?  I used to eat like 3 large boxes of sunmaid raisins a week.  I know I cant eat a ton anymore but are a few ok?

I am sort of scared to eat anything beside the taters and baby food right now after that stupid banana this morning.  Is that what restriction is going to feel like?  I am not sure I want it if thats what it feels like.  I dont know why I am so scared of my band.  I know it is going to help me but I just dont want to mess up.  I now know messing up comes with pain.  Once my head locks on that Im afraid I wont want to eat at all which is another problem all in its own.  I dont know why mentally it is all or nothing with me.  I can already tell this is teaching me alot about who I am.  It is doing its job now I need to do mine.  It is making me (besides this morning) stop and think before eating. 

I will get better at this.  I am having to learn all over again what and how to eat.  I keep feeling like I should be better at this already.  But I forget that it took me almost 30 years of learning to eat the way I did.  I am not going to become perfect overnight.  It will take time and energy to do the right thing.  The band is not on my brain!!  I have to do that changing and I WILL!  I should be proud of my accomplishments so far.  I have lost 22 pounds.  I shrunk my liver perfectly and had no slip ups.  I have had the chance to get a cheeseburger and have not even tried to.  I did slip up and eat a reeses very slowly tonight but only 1 and not a whole bag. 

The reason I did that is because I woke up and for the first time since I was young I got on my home scale and it said 299.  I havent been below 300 in A LONG TIME!  I was almost 400 in high school.  I guess it was like 6th or 7th grade since I have seen a 2 in front of my weight.  Why did I celebrate with a reeses and possibly screw that up?  I dont know some more brain changing needs to be done there.  I cant wait for my first fill to see what their scale says :)  I am going by theirs officially and I dont know what mine is compared to theirs.  When I weighed 305 on theirs that morning I weighed here and it was 311.  So I told her I like their scales better.  She said I need to clibrate mine but it is digital and I am not sure how to do that.

Wow ok I am very random tonight so I am going to stop there :)

Saturday, February 20, 2010

EHHHH GADDDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AHHHH!!!!!!  Cheeseburgers are stalking me!  I hate the tv because every time I look there is another yummy juicy cheeseburger dripping with yumminess on my freakin screen.  I feel like I am being held in a cell and tortured.  I dont want it and I know I dont need it.  But it wants me reeeeaaalll bad!   I feel so weak.  I mean I could be weaker but I feel so childlike.  I want to lay in the floor and whine that I cant eat it.  What am I going to do????  Will I ever break up this horrible relationship me and mr cheeseburger share?  My kryptonite makes me soooo weak.  I can almost taste it drip on my tounge.  Anyone else have this problem and how in the world did you deal with it.  I could live the rest of my life without most food but not sure I will be able to break the hold a mcdonalds #4 has over me.

Thursday, February 18, 2010


I had my first post op appt yesterday and the Dr said I have lost 22 pounds!!!!!!  OMG OMG OMG!  That is awesome!!!  He said he was real proud of me and he thinks I will do great.  I am almost below 300 now.  I havent been below 300 since I was in middle school.  I was 327 when I started the process of getting the band in may.  I was 397 pounds when I graduated High school in 1998.  The 6 months (actually 9 because I messed up) of nutrution classes really seemed to help.  I was not taught proper nutrition growing up.  We were very poor and it was eat what you can get because it may be a day or so till you can eat again.  You would think that would make me a skinny kid but no no.  That started years of hoarding food and scarfing it alone before anyone else could see me eating. 

I decided to clean my house of alot of food when I started the process.  The food I had hidden back would have been enough to feed a family of 4 for at least a month.  I still dont have much money but I am not poor anymore.  I have a no bedroom apartment.  It is a room with a bathroom and kitchen.  I pay my bills and have extra money to spend.  Before starting this every bit of my extra money was spent on fast food and cigarettes. 

As of the 11th of Feb I have taken the band stand.  I was so scared going in for the surgery.  I didnt sleep the night before.  My bf stayed the night and I kept him up all night so he fell asleep before I went into surgery.  But luckily I had my family by my side.  He only slept a few hours then he was up and calling to see how things were going.  They gave me the little blue pill that made me not care at all.  Then they wheeled me back to get the other stuff started then wheeled me on to the surgery room and thats where I loose my memory.  The next thing I know I am waking up in the big white room.  I have to say that is the weirdest part of it all because the last thing you knew you were doing good now your in pain and dont know anyone around.  There was also excitement because a kid just came out of surgery and was freaking out and yanking cords and stuff.  I understood the kids feeling because that was my first thought too.

I then got wheeled back to my room.  I GOT ICE CHIPS!!  OMG they were next to heaven at that point.  They told me to go easy but the cold wetness in my mouth was so wonderful.  Then my family came in and was taking pictures.  I got up and walked to the bathroom and done the business.  Yay I was doing good.  I got home from the hospital and I was feeling awesome.  I sat up and had some broth and watched tv.  My mom done what moms do best and started cleaning lol.  Oh my wonderful virgo mother.  The bf just didnt know what to do and kept asking me if I needed anything. 

The first couple days werent bad but I did have a bottle of liquid loratab so maybe thats why ;)  These last 3 days things have started to get real though.  The hunger has came back with a vengence.  The liquids arent making me feel full anymore.  Today I started on blender food.  I had a whole package of mashed potatoes!  UGH :(  You would think that 22 I posted up there with so much excitement would have mattered a little more but the hunger attack was ravenous.  I mean seriously when am I going to get a hold on this?  I went through surgery to help and I still let it overtake me?  At least I didnt go to mcdonalds and blend a number 4 up in the blender but I feel just as guilty.  In 3 weeks I get my first fill.  I am not sure what a fill is going to feel like.  It wont be much of one but it will show what it is going to be like and what to expect.  I hope this ends up being what I need and not another screw up on my part!

Thursday, February 11, 2010

A little ouchie!

I made it through and I am now home :)  IM ON THE OTHER SIDE!!!!!  I do hurt but plan to take some liquid loratab soon to take care of that.  I cant sit here long but I wanted tyo let you all know I did good!  And on my pre op diet I lost 14 pounds!!!  GO ME!

I felt all the love, prayers, and well wishes.  It made me feel loved and empowered to make it through!  Thank you all sooooo much for your support.  I will write again soon *hugs*

Wednesday, February 10, 2010


Tomorrow is the big day and I think I am starting to panic.  I cant even imagine what tomorrow is going to be like.  I have to be there at 7:30 am.  THATS 12 HOURS FROM NOW!!  I really hope everything goes smoothly and the pain isnt as bad as my head is making it out to be.  I am such a big baby lol.  But at least I know and admit it.  I know I can do this!!  I have been getting phone calls, visits, and messages today that have made me feel very loved and thought of :)  And thanks to everyone on here that have made me feel a bit more comfortable and cared about :)

I am trying to work on the house but my brain is so scattered that I cant focus very well.  I got clothes washed and towels folded and random little things that dont amount to much lol  I am running on excess nervous energy.  Its so hard to blieve that tomorrow is the begining of a whole new life.  I had been doing all this stuff for the end result (surgery)  And now that its here I am freaking out.  I just feel like I am floating or its dreamlike.  All this time I thought for sure since I wanted it so bad that there is no way it could happen.  Around every corner I was expecting something to crush the dream.  But tomorrow is the day and IT IS REALLY HAPPENING!  I am feeling very emotional about this.  WHEW!!! 

I know this blog is a bunch of randomness but like I said I am just trying to release stuff from my head so maybe I can focus.  And I keep getting interupted by people calling and I cant even focus on what they are saying. lol  Ok I am going to quit before the men in white coats come to take me away HA HA

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

liquids go in liquids go out

Day after tomorrow and I will be BANDED!!!!  I have had a rough day or so.  The lack of food started to get to me alot.  I almost broke down and went to McDs.  But I smacked myself back to reality.  I even got my mom to escort me to Walmart so that I did not try to buy something I didnt need.  I didnt know I was going to drink so much broth and eat so much jello.  I ran out and had to restock.  But man I never noticed how yummy walmart smells.  Especially walking by the deli and bakery section.  That chicken cooking about killed me!!!!!! (chicken is my weakness and cant wait to eat it again)

So the BF decided to take off the day of surgery like everyone else.  I know of 8 or 9 people that will be in the waiting room and I just dont get it.  I know they are there to support me but I wont know they are there.  I am going into surgery at 7:30 and all these people want to be up early and sitting at a hospital???  I dont want to sound like I dont appreciate it because I really do.  But there are only 2 people allowed to come back with me and that is my mother and brother.  The only other possible person I will let come back is the BF.

I really like the Atkins shakes and I think I would really like to keep them as part of my routine.  My fav flavors are vanilla, mocha latte, and strawberry.  I didnt think I would like them as much as I do.  I find myself looking forward to them!  Not only are they tastey but they also make me feel full for a while.  The other plus is they sort of fill my need for something sweet.  Sweet things are my weakness and why I look the way I do lol  I used to eat a whole box of little debbies by myself.  Before getting ready for this surgery I found a great sugarfree alternative called Tastey Kakes.  I really miss them right now.  I can almost taste that yummy spongy orange cake :D  Ok maybe I should stop talking about food before I go crazy lol.  I will just sip my yummy juice with a heap of benefiber.  I find that actually helps a little to fill me up. 

OMG!!!!  I cant believe it is almost here.  This last year I have worked so hard to get me where I am today.  I never thought Id actually get here.  I always had the fear in the back of my brain that something would go wrong and I wouldnt get it.  I mean something could go wrong during surgery but heres to hoping it doesnt.  I think my luck has changed and the fates are working with me on this.  I know this is meant to be for me!! 

Did anyone before their surgery have the feeling a LB angel came into their life?  Ok I know that sounds weird but I am pretty sure it happened to me.  Before I even knew for sure if I wanted this I had a very strange experience.  I was in an elevator at the hospital and this woman I dont know looks at me and asked me when my surgery was.  I was thrown off a bit because at this point only my mom knew that I was checking into it.  I said what do you mean and she said the lapband surgery.  That totally threw me off so I went on to tell her that I was just looking into it right now.  That woman was the reason I decided to have it.  She told me it had changed her life and would change mine too.  Then this woman I dont know pulls up her shirt and pulls down her pants a bit to show me her scars.  I could tell she wasnt to far out because they werent healed all the way.  That made me feel so much better because I was hoping they wouldnt be horrible.  But anyway I am really glad that random woman was there that day and I think she was my LapBand Angel!