I am so sick of having such an addictive personality. It is such a fight to face addictions. Relapse is something you have to fight everyday. This is true in almost all addictions. I have multiple addictions. I call them addictions because I can do it without realizing and later be so angry with myself. This band is a tool and will not do the work for me. I have to learn to control my mind. This food addiction is one of the hardest fights I have ever fought. And this week I have failed. WHYYY!!?? Why would I continually stuff food into my face knowing I have done so good. I stabbed my own self right in the back. I am having a hard time forgiving myself here. I knew damn well I was doing the wrong thing but did it anyway. I am coming on here to admit this to everyone because thats what I should do. If I took drugs Id call an AA friend so you guys are my FA friends. I stuffed junkie calorie ridden food right through my band and into my fat collection.
Tomorrow I face the doctor, for my first fill, full of shame. I am nervous about the fill because I hate needles. But I am even more scared of facing him knowing what I have done. I am going to have to speak to the dietician (because you have to for first 2 visits) and I wont lie to her. Knowing my last visit was a great one and people were so proud makes that sooo hard. I wish I could go in there with a great story of the wonderful things I am doing to work hard at losing weight. I feel like a letdown to them and myself. We have both worked so hard till lately then I just fell right off the bandwagon!
This like other relapses WILL NOT keep me from chugging on past it. I screwed up. Now I have to make it up to myself and I wll. Watching the scale move up has been like little smacks in the face. This will not be the last time I give in to an addiction I know that for sure. I just have to admit what I did, be angry with myself, forgive mysef, and move on. I will work with this fill I am getting tomorrow. I am going back to the basics with liquid and maybe that will help me focus less on food.
Sorry to be a Debbie Downer today but there will be positive to follow. Im sure!!