Saturday, March 27, 2010

Their coming to take me away HA HA

Wow thanks to TOM I havent been able to eat very much at all for the last week.  So I hopped on the scale today and got 289!!!!!!  WOOT WOOT WOOT!!  Now that it has officially started I cant stop eating.  Last night before bed I ate a sugar free fudge pop, sugar free pudding, and a bowl of rice crispies. UGH  That was all after dinner.  Between stress and TOM my body doesnt know what in the world to do.  I got my car fixed today YAY!  So that is a little less stress right there.

I went for a drive in the country today just my camera and I.  I found this AWESOME old cemetery (told you I was attracted to the darker things in life *wink*) I got out of my car and went for a walk.  There were beautiful march flowers everywhere, the birds were chirping, sun was shining, and the ground was just moist enough to sink a little when you walk.  I enjoyed it so much that I broke the law and went trespassing in their woods :)  It was so beautiful back there it felt like I found a secret treasure!  I also found an animals skeleton (guessing a deer) And I got all the pics I could of it.  It was awesome cause it was death surrounded in life.  So i got exercise..not just my camera finger but a hike in the woods lol  I ave found if I make exercise something fun and productive I want to do it ALOT more.  Yesterday my best friend and I went for a walk and had girl talk.  We walked a long way but it didnt seem like it because girl talk makes everything else vanish.

Now for a question....What do you do when you get stuck??  I had one person tell me to take a drink and it will wash it on down.  Ok this does not work for me at all.  I cant have any kind of liquid while solids are in my stomach.  It just makes everything get stuck worse.  Like even if I am eating some watery green beans with food it will make everything stuck.  They told me I shouldnt drink with meals but I am a rule breaker and tried anyways.  Bad idea.  I have found that burping myself from the front works a little.  Cant do that in public of course.  I just use the same pressure as burping a baby but right on my sternum.  But what do I do in public because it hurts so bad.  It happened at my fav Thai resturant and my friend said I looked horrible while it was going on.  I get stuck alot and any advice is very appreciated.  How is it I can have a bite I know is smaller then the stoma and chew and it still get stuck?  I just dont understand this band sometimes!!

Tuesday, March 23, 2010


Here is that friday question thing.  I have had alot going on and need to get caught up with everything I missed.  Wish I had a rundown of everything lol

1. If you could be a weather forecast, what would you be and why?

I would be a beautiful spring day in the 70's.  Blue skies with the birds chirping.  Sunshine making everything so bright.  Those are the days I most love to go take pictures.  So that is what Id be :D

2. If you could be a crayon, what color would you be and why?

I would be midnight blue!  I am a bit of a dark person.  I have always gravitated towards the darker aspects of life.  But I can also make the stars in the sky pop out and look beautiful.  Which to me means I can take a picture of something very normal and bring out the beauty from my eyes to share it with others who might not see it.  (I am sure the more I write the more you guys are going to see me as a creepy cat lady LOL just to let u know I have no cats)  These questions make me fel special cause I am not that great at answering things but im trying ;)

3. What is/was your biggest physical goal you want to do when you hit your goal weight?

Me and the bf are already making alot of plans lol  I really want to go to an amusement park.  I have always been too fat to go on rides or walk through a big park and stand in long lines.  But I want to real bad.  I want to go on a roller coaster that goes really fast :)  I have a million and one things I want to do.  But Ill save that million for a blog sometime ;)

4. If you could be any animal, what would it be and why?

I would want to be my namesake.  I have always wished I was a bird so I could travel for free.  They see so much beauty.  I am in an arguement with a local bird right now because they are making a nest on top of my mailbox.  My mailbox gets lifted everyday so they cant have babies there.  But they are sooo beautiful.  And Id LOVEEEEEE getting tto migrate for the winter lol

5. Just because I’m new to some followers and I’m curious – let’s do a put it out there in black and white stat question.

What was your highest weight? 397
What is your weight now? 293
What is your goal weight if you have one? 170

What is your goal size if you have one? have no idea about small sizes lol
What diet/program/tool do you follow/have if any? I dont diet I liveit.
How did you lose the weight current to today? alot of work and tweaking what and how much I eat.  Diabeties made me do it lol

6. What’s your best advice for people in this weight loss journey?

Dont beat yourself up!!!!!!!!!!!!  No matter what you do in life you will make mistakes.  Learn to forgive yourself and move on.  If you fall off the band wagon you just have to stop and forgive yourself.  My next step is to halt down the band wagon and beat it with a baseball bat and hop back on.  Slow and steady wins the race my friends ;)

7. Have you ever shaved your whootananny?

YES IM ANSWERING IT!  Why yes I do makes me feel sexier ;)  Cant wait till I am smaller so it makes the whole process easier lol

Ok so I am late but there ya go!  Sorry I have been so bad about keeping up lately but I have crazy stuff going on.  I broke a belt in my tire by driving into a ditch at a friends house.  I also have stuff going on in my relationship, friends having issues, and trying to get this freakin house cleaned.  Please dont forget me!  You have all been on my mind :) *HUGS*

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Naughty by Nature!

Wow it has been a bit since I posted and I have missed some blog reading.  I tried to stay caught up but I have a bad case of spring cleaning.  So HOW??? can my house look worse now??  I cleaned out closets and stuff so I have crap all over the room.  I am trying to get motivated today to finish but ugh starting out real slow today.  It is a little past noon and I have nothing accomplished.  But Im sure it will kick in soon *hoping* 

I was very naughty on St Pattys Day (or as my friend calls it Vermins Day)!  I drank whiskey and celebrated irish style.  We were drinking irish whisky and singing pub music loud and obnoxious.  Yes this did show up on the scale.  But heck it was worth it.  It was so nice to sit around and not pay attention to anything else but having fun.  I was decked in my "if found return to pub" shirt, decked with shamrock beads, looking hot in my new jeans (which I got compliments on), and hair in piggy poofs.  I was in the mood for an adventure.  Lets just say I ended up having 6 shots (really 3 because I was taking it easy and using a tiny shot glass) NAUGHTY!  First shot was had by everyone in the bathroom so I was very close to a toilet in case of mishap.  How good are your friends when they all pile into a bathroom with you knowing it may be a messy adventure.  But all was good :)  I used to sit and drink a whole bottle by myself.  Let me just say those shots made me very loopy lol.  It has been a while since those days LOL  Good times were had thats for sure but the BF was scared to death about it all.  He thought for sure the whiskey was going to make me explode or something now that I have a band.  He even woke up and asked first thing next morning "are u ok?"  I was still good ;)

NSV ALERT!!!!!  I am a happy woman!  I now have to move my steering wheel down to drive :D  For a very long time I have kept it up to hide my fat roll under as I drove lol  I have always hated being fat and having to buy cars that "have enough room"  It was hard for me to fit behind the wheel and actually be able to move the wheel due to my fat roll falling through it.  Those days are further behind me as I lose weight.  Maybe one day I will buy a car because I like it and not because I can fit in it.  WOOT!

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

I believe!!!

I stepped on the scale today and it said 293!!  Woot!!

I have noticed a big change since my fill.  I AM starting to eat like a normal person should.  Ususally me and the BF would order 2 seperate meals and eat all of it.  The other night we ordered one meal and 2 soups from our local yummy chinese place.  Surprisingly we both got full.  I had 1 and a half meatballs, one mushroom, and my won ton soup.  I ordered there for lunch today.  Ok I more then love the place I am addicted lol.  I ate like 4 little peices of generals chicken, 1 crab rangoon, and my soup.  WHAT!! REALLY???  That wouldnt even be good enough for an appetizer before this surgery.  Now thats my meal?  I secretly LOVE IT!  Makes me feel like a real person instead of a bottomless pit for junk.  Ya I didnt count the calories or bash myself for unhealthy choices.  I figure if I eat small amounts and learn that first the rest will fall into place.

I havent had any candy junk since I broke down and ate the reeses egg so I am proud about that.  I even got the BF to drink a protein smoothie (made by me) with me.  He of course acted like he liked it then promptly drank a little less then half and said he was done lol  But I understand why because he is not used to that weird protein taste and I did over do it a bit.  Even I could taste the weirdness so he is forgiven ;) 

In general I am pretty happy I got this done.  The only time I hate it is when I am stuck.  And that is usually my fault anyways for not chewing enough.  I am getting a better hang of chewing and portions.  Well I am off here because the BF is here and wants to play some raving rabbids on the wii.  LOL Its too cute!  I didnt have much to say just wanted to stop in and say hi and share my new picture I did.


Saturday, March 13, 2010

I am having a rondon day sooo...

I am just going to talk about random stuff.  You might not want to read cause I am sure there wont be any substance! lol  How people who really have to deall with me on a daily basis put up with my random days Ill never know.  They look at me alot like an alien sometimes LOL

I was reading through blogs today.  Random days come with some major ADD so I got halfway through and my brain switched to wanting to write so I will do this till it switches again.  While reading the end of Kristins blog I was dieing laughing.  She mentioned a Cadbury Cream Egg.  I was not laughing at what she said because it was an awesome NSV for a person who loves them.  I was laughing at what a cadbury cream egg MEANS to me.  When I was younger I was a stinker.  My brother was the calm one who would sit in a corner with a toy for hours being good.  I was the one who would play with the toy, break it in less then 5 minutes, then be ready to climb walls again.  We are still the same.  He is the calm one unless he is mad.  I am still the wirey random one who cant stay calm for the life of me.  Ok well when we were younger I was never a fan of the eggs (im still not a fan)  Well I got one for easter and my crazy child mind didnt want it so it had to go somewhere.  The trsh wasnt artistic enough for me.  So I chose to smash it in my brothers bed.  He likes them so I guess I thought he wouldnt mind.  Well he found it along with my step dad at the time and I got the beating of a life time that I will never forget lol.  So for YEARS every Easter I get those freaking eggs!!  AHHH!  But on the plus side since I had this surgery maybe that crazy tradition will end.  Well heres to hoping.

Man I cant WAIT for spring to come.  I am looking forward to camping!  This last year was my first camping trip in the dead of summer and I did pretty good.  I also did cold camping this last year which I am not a fan of LOL  BRRRRR!  Thank goodness I had the heater I call a BF with me and a ton of blankets.  But spring is so perfect for camping.  We usually have to deal with rain but its ok if its kinda warm.  I totaly dig the smell of a campfire!!  I love swimming when its warm.  I grew up staying with my granny who lived on a lake so I learned to love the water very young.  She and my grampa were bass fisherpeople (go me ms pc here today lol)  They both were in tournaments and I enjoyed going in the boat.  But I can swim to the middle of a lake and back.  I love being way out.  It is so peaceful.  You feel like you are the only person in the world.  I use the time to stop and soak in the beauty of the trees and the pillows of clouds in the bright blue sky.  It is an amazing experience thats for sure.  So I have had a love affair with spring for most of my life lol (ok I just re read this paragraph and it jumps everywhere again Im sorry if your still reading this LOL)

Man I keep getting distracted by music!  I dont know whats wrong with me today but everytime I hear a song I want to dance.  I really suck at dancing but when Im alone I dont care lol  The more I lose weight the more I bop around the house.  Im sure I am a sight to see :)  Ok I think this is just going to go in a random downward spiral so I am going to stop now LOL!!!

Friday, March 12, 2010

Holy Restriction Buddha Band!!

Wow restriction is an amazing feeling!!!  That extreme snacking of the last week is fading thought now.  I am uber tight this morning.  It has taken me forever to try and finish this one cup of coffee.  I have also learned my big gulps of it are not a good thing.  Slow and steady wins the race right?  I have been at it for an hour and I am only half done.  This is deffinatly going to take some readjusting to.  Next on the menu is a yummy Mocha Latte shake :)  Glad others seem to like it too.  Carmen excited me when I read a comment and she was drinking one too.  I feel like I found a rare jewel and love sharing that with others :D  If ya hate that nasty protein shake taste and willing to try something new you should!  You really may find a new treat lol

I think while I was getting the band adjusted yesterday I got a small brain adjustment too.  I am going to stay at this being positive thing as much as possible.  I am really starting to learn that I have to find what is right for me.  And part of me is acceptng the fact I have pogo weight lol  Everyday my weight will bounce up then back down and repeat.  What matters is I really am on a downward spiral with my weight.  Even if I pop back up to 299 yesterday today I am 296 so not to bad :)  Whos to say what tomorrow shall bring...I am guessing down since im nursing this cup of coffee so freakin long.  But if its up again who cares!  I am doing good and I know I am :D BELIEVE!!  (I have a green wooden plaque right under my screen that says believe and it is bright green LOVE IT my new motto ;))

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Good day went scary!

Well ladies and gentlemen I HAVE MY FIRST FILL!  I have 2.5CCs in a 10 CC band.  I have to say I honestly thought you guys were just lucky.  A fill really is an easy thing (unless u have issues of course)  My mom kept telling me dont worry just a bee sting.  Well she was wrong I have actually had way more painful bee stings.  The only time I felt anything is when he broke the skin.  He didnt even warn me just did it like a pro.  He stuck the needle in and like others I have heard I had to stand up with the needle in my tummy.  He put alot in and told me to take a drink OMG it was stuck in my throat!!  If thats how overfill feels I dont need it lol.  He slowly took more out till the water went through easily.  He took the needle out and sent me on my way.  Wow.  I just keep waiting for something to be real painful because this has all seemed so easy (surgery wise)

I was helping my mom today at Needline answering phones and such.  Wasnt sure Id feel like going back afterwards but I felt great so I went back.  I had been there for about 2 hours and something started going real wrong.  (not with the band)  Apparently my sugar decided to take a nose dive.  To let you know I have been high I mean real high for a long time.  Now that I am losing weight and stuff the meds are becoming a bit much I think.  But all of a sudden I started to shake real bad and my brain went foggy and I felt like I was drunk in a dream.  I looked at my mom and just said something is wrong.  My mom knows me inside and out and that really scared her.  She said my eyes went blank like I wasnt there anymore.  That was the first time this ever happened to me.  I was scared and didnt know what to do.  They asked if I wanted a sprite lol I said no something see through no carbonation please.  All we could find was propel water.  I took some drinks of that and the fog cleared a little bit.  We were all so freaked out I called my dietician right there.  She told me I hit a low to find apple juice and drink 8 oz.  So the ladies went to the warehouse to search for juice.  They found some warm juice but it worked and tasted really good.

My mom had to follow me home cause I still felt drunk.  I swear it was so hard to concentrate on driving.  Luckily My house is the next road over.  She carried in my broth and newly aqquired apple juice.  Then she turned into mommy and made me get in bed and take a nap.  I slept from 4 till she called and woke me up at 9 to see how I was feeling.  I am honestly doing pretty darn good.  I had some yummy broth when I woke up and now Im enjoying a Mocha Latte protien drink mmm I feel like im being bad cause it is so good.  160 cals just seem worth it lol.  And it is sitting in my tummy.  Yes liquid my friends is sitting on my tummy!!  THANK THE SWEET RESTRICTION GODS!!!!!!!!

I feel like this is a new begining :)  Me and the little buddha band are finally starting to see eye to eye.  It has found my zen fill level.  WOOT! I have another fill next month if I need it which gives me a little relief just in case.  I am ready to see what me and little buddha can do when working together.  The name for my band came from my friends not me.  My nickname is Baby Buddha and has been since I was a lil kid.  My lifelong best friend Steph deemed me many years ago "Baby Buddha The Flexible Butterball"  The baby buddha stuck thank god the rest didnt lol  So my other friend said my band was little buddha and it is going to turn me in to little ghandi LOL  Ok I dunno if anyone else gets it but I found it beyond funny.  Ok we just might be a little crazy too lol

But needless to say (but i am gonna anyway) I CANT WAIT FOR THE SCALE TO MOVE ON DOWN!!!  And amanda u were right.  I was caught with cigs in my purse by the nurse.  It was by pure accident but I told her Yes I have been smoking but stopping everything just was really getting to me.  She said as long as I am not going crazy with it and dont mention it to the doctor lol  My nurse is the best really she is!!!  She always makes me feel so comfortable and like she is my friend not just some random nurse.  She celebrates my victories more then I do.  I lost 8 pounds since my last visit and I was let down because I knew I had gained 5 back or it would have been 13.  She said that 5 pounds was probably from my women issues Ive been having and not to be so sensative to the weight fluctuation (not sure about that spelling lol)  So maybe she is right.  If my scale goes up it is not always my fault.  If I am doing what I am supposed to and it goes up dont get depressed and drown my sorrows in a buffet.  She sees everyone who comes in there and if she says I am doing good and not to worry I am going to try not to.


I AM grateful

(PS They moved my fill from 3pm to 1pm AHHH!  I have less time to panic I feel cheated LOL ;))

I am stealing this from Drazil via Dinnerland because it is a great Idea.  As we all I know I have been in and out of funks lately.  I think from now on when I am sad or crabby I am going to sit and think of things to be grateful for till I puke with happiness or I pass out from exhaustion :)

Today, I am grateful for these things:

1) I have ears to hear the birds out side my door chirping.  I have eyes to see nature.  I can feel the breeze on my skin and smell the rain from last night.  I guess I am thankful I CAN do all of those.
2) I have so many people rooting for me to do good.  They are also good enough to forgive me when I dont.

3) I am blessed to have a great family.  Anytime I need something they are there to lend a hand.  Thank the gods for my mom or often I wouldnt make it.

4) I have a fill today so needless to say I am starting a new adventure.  Boy am I ready for some CCs in my band because I am feeling like I need it.

5) I HAVE COFFEE!!!!!!!!!!!
6) I am grateful for my band friends.  You wouldnt believe it but I brag about you guys constantly.  I am always saying to my mom blank blank said blank blank in the blogs.  So not only do you help me with info but her to cause we are both way new to all of this.
7) I am thankful I got a new Wii  I got it for Wii Fit Plus but still dont have that or the board.  I am pulling it together piece at a time ;)
8) I am blessed to have food in my belly (too much sometimes lol) a roof over my head, clean air to breathe, and a little extra spending money (when I have it lol)

9) I am grateful that I did not have to pay anything for my surgery.  I had it one month ago and have not really had to pay anything out of pocket except things needed for diet, vitamins, and shakes.  I am so glad I made the decision.  It was band or death really.
10) Last but not least I am soooo blessed to  be able to help people.  Volunteering is an awesome experience.  The people I meet come from all walks of life.  Most are in dire financial need.  These are people that 2 years ago had a great job and because of our economy are now poverish.  I know I sound like a broken record but remember your local community and their needs.  That could be you in a year needing their help. I have been there.  They helped me when I was down and out.  I refuse to not help when I am doing good now because there are plenty of others who arent.

Its Been A MONTH!

Wow  just got caught up on some blogs and it is so weird.  Nothing makes you feel better then to have people going through the same thing.  I noticed that there are alot of people in my same place and dealing with the same thing I am.  Yesterday I felt like such a loser.  Then I read some blogs and with every one I started feeling better and better.  The comments and other blogs made me realize I AM NOT alone.  And I AM NOT a failure.  I have a problem which as led me to where I am now.  That is why I have a band.  Not because I am not strong enough (even tho Im not lol) but because I have an addiction that I just havent yet got a handle on.I have to remember this takes time.  I am not going to wake up tomorrow weighing 250 as much as I want to.  Thank you all for making me feel better even when I am a little down in the dumps.  For those who commented it means a heap! 

One month ago today I was getting ready to head into the hospital for surgery.  It was a great day! 

I have a fill scheduled for the day.  Of course that has been on my mind so I have not slept since I got up yesterday.  I know it is not going to be too bad (or I hope)  My moods and energy level are still bouncing around also.  I hope this next month I learn to let some things go.  I also hope to learn CHEW CHEW CHEW!  I dont know what this fill is going to do for me but I hope it does something.  I feel so out of control with "hand to mouth"  I am not hungry per se just want to eat out of habit.  The same with smoking.  I had stopped smoking but now I am back up to half a pack.  Maybe once I get further on the LIVE-IT (not die it)  I will work more on the smoking thing again.  I cant go cold turkey on everything in my life all at one time.  Yes I do want to change all the things I dont like about me but maybe I should slow down or I may lose it all.

So I plan from now on to stop and take a breath and relax.  If I forget that guys remind me!  I am a bit forgetful sometimes and need extra reminders lol  So I think I am going to drink a half a pot of coffee and go volunteer at the food bank today.  Nothing like the smiley faces of the coworkers and customers to make my smile reappear :) 

Told you a posiitve to come!

1. Post the logo on your blog.

2. Pass the award on to 12 fellow bloggers.
3. Link the nominees
4. Let nominees know they have won this award by commenting on their blog.
5. Share the love and link to the person you received this award from.

I am soooo bad at all this so please forgive me for not doing link things but I do want you to know I am here and loving all of you guys.

I got this from more then one wonderful bandster.  I was so happy to see I was nominated and I promise to be a little more full of sunshine here real soon ;)  You bandsters make me happy and probably inspire me more then I ever could in return.  You guys are the ray of sunshine in my day *HUGS*

1  Workinprogress - She always seems to know just what to say to make me feel better about things!
2  Drazil- You keep me in stitches!
3  Amandakiska - her comments always make me smile :)
4  SandyLee-ya I know she got one already cause she gave it to me but I had to put her here cause she brings sunshine to my comments when im feeling blue
5  Ashli- She gives me inspiration
6  MandaPanda- She is such a sweetie  She is new to my blog but I dig her already :)
7  Bonnie- Love her comments!!!
8  Lonicera- Hope your enjoying talapia ;)
9  Canadian Bird-  A bandster by any other name would be as sweet But a fellow Robin is always fun.
10  Girl Bandit- Another person whos comments make me smile
11 Rebekah- She is often there to answer my questions Thanks *hugs*
12  Band Groupie - another person who helps me when I have no clue what Im doing lol

God I left out so many other names that I really feel like deserve this award.  I guess I am lucky to have the cream of the crop as followers.  If your name is not on the list please dont feel unappreciated because YOU ARE!!  The comments I get from you guys make me feel so much better about everything.  I guess thats why I come here is cause I know you guys make me feel better.  I wish I could give you all *hugs*

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Addiction Express CHEW CHEW!

I am so sick of having such an addictive personality.  It is such a fight to face addictions.  Relapse is something you have to fight everyday.  This is true in almost all addictions.  I have multiple addictions.  I call them addictions because I can do it without realizing and later be so angry with myself.  This band is a tool and will not do the work for me.  I have to learn to control my mind.  This food addiction is one of the hardest fights I have ever fought.  And this week I have failed.  WHYYY!!??  Why would I continually stuff food into my face knowing I have done so good.  I stabbed my own self right in the back.  I am having a hard time forgiving myself here.  I knew damn well I was doing the wrong thing but did it anyway.  I am coming on here to admit this to everyone because thats what I should do.  If I took drugs Id call an AA friend so you guys are my FA friends.  I stuffed junkie calorie ridden food right through my band and into my fat collection. 

Tomorrow I face the doctor, for my first fill, full of shame.  I am nervous about the fill because I hate needles.  But I am even more scared of facing him knowing what I have done.  I am going to have to speak to the dietician (because you have to for first 2 visits) and I wont lie to her.  Knowing my last visit was a great one and people were so proud makes that sooo hard.  I wish I could go in there with a great story of the wonderful things I am doing to work hard at losing weight.  I feel like a letdown to them and myself.  We have both worked so hard till lately then I just fell right off the bandwagon!

This like other relapses WILL NOT keep me from chugging on past it.  I screwed up.  Now I have to make it up to myself and I wll.  Watching the scale move up has been like little smacks in the face.  This will not be the last time I give in to an addiction I know that for sure.  I just have to admit what I did, be angry with myself, forgive mysef, and move on.  I will work with this fill I am getting tomorrow.  I am going back to the basics with liquid and maybe that will help me focus less on food. 

Sorry to be a Debbie Downer today but there will be positive to follow.  Im sure!!

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Im starting to love me more!

WARNING: This may be long I have alot of catching up lol

  Boy have I missed my blogger friends.  Its nice having you guys everyday to make me feel amazing.  So needless to say I was having a few withdrawls from you guys.  I have so much catching up. I doubt I will get caught up on all the blogs but I did miss you guys bunches and I am soooo glad to be back.  I hope everyone has been doing well and having great days!!

To start off with I am going to say I LOVE ME!! I am going to repeat this 30 times a day till I lose all my weight then I know I am going to believe it.  I have always hated myself.  I always felt like there was something wrong with me because crappy things were attracted to me like a magnet.  I knew for sure there was a tattoo on my head I coudnt see that said "Please treat me like SH*T" (please forgive my nasty word)  So much to the point I started treating MYSELF like that.  I stuffed my face day and night with all the wrong food.  I used drugs and alcohol like it was going out of style.  I smoked 2 packs of cigarettes a day.  *cant believe Im going to admit this to the world but I have to admit it to myself* I was very sexually charged and didnt care who or why I was doing what I was doing.  While I was doing all this I thought it was completely normal!!!

I now look back and see that it was all because I hated myself and didnt care if I lived or died.  I already felt dead inside so nothing could hurt me.  During these last couple years I have been trying to change my mentality.  I have always heard treat others the way you want to be treated.  I didnt understand all this being treated bad because I tried to be so nice to everyone.  I want that statement changed!  I want it to say "treat yourself like you want others to treat you"  If you treat yourself like you are nothing others will too.  If you treat yourself well then you will be more likely to see when someone is treating you wrong and get out of the situation.  That all started to sink in more when I left a mentally and physically abusive relationship.  I started to see that I deserved more good things then I was allowing myself to recieve or give myself.  More and more I am starting to love me.  I now could care less if no one else ever loves me.  I think I am a beautiful soul!!!!!!

Ok enough mental lesson now on to some fun things...
OMG guess what!!....are you thinking?...Did ya guess??  No ok no clues so prob not many good guesses LOL  I HAVE A PAIR OF JEANS!!! For my vacation I went to Eastern TN in the mountains to visit some friends.  My bff E is smaller then me and has been working hard the old fashion way to lose weight.  She let me into her closet for a try your size party.  I made her pick out her biggest clothes because i am quite a bit bigger but her biggest is size 28 jeans (already wore out so prob more like a 30)  Ok the last time I found jeans they were a 46 and a 44.  I had to go to cathrines and order them usually.  I FIT HER 28s!!!  I now own those pair of jeans because I went screaming and crying and jumping through her house.  I also got 2 new 2x shirts.  2x yes thats what I said so I am going to repeat that 2x!!!!!!!!!  I noticed though most of my 4x is getting pretty baggy.  Of course I didnt know any of this because I dont shop.  I hate stores because they always make me feel so much more fat and angry with myself.  So now I know and I am so happy.

Yesterday I got on the scale and saw a 295.  So you know I was happy with that.  I am so amazed at my body actually working with me.  I usually dont lose weight like this.  My most productive diet was a mixture of meth and excercise.  I lost 80 pounds but I didnt feel good about myself.  Thank god I will never deal with any of that again.  Now I have a new view on life and hope for the future.  Now that I am doing this the right way I feel like I should reward myself when I hit goals.  For everything I have accomplished till now I went and bought myself some flip flops, a new stuffed penguin (Another one of my "collections") lol, some jelly bracelets (yes I still wear those lol I sometimes forget it is 2000s now), and some word search books.  I think I deserved to buy myself stuff lol

I also learned that walking is becoming much easier.  We ended up going to walmart 3 times in one day and walking all over the place.  They just bought their first house so there is alot needed lol.  I used to have problems getting through walmart one time.  It was so big Id sit down half way and act like I was waiting for someone cause I was wore out.  Plus I have alot of medical issues (a few of which I really hope go away with the weight)  So it was pretty rough on me.  This weekend we went shopping to many places and 3 different walmart (1 of which was my fault cause I forgot to buy my shakes lol)  But I was so happy that I didnt have most of my usual issues.  I was real tired after all that but there were no sitting breaks.

#1  Is anyone else getting cold with weight loss?  I have always been really hot and lately I am noticing I need more clothes and the house temp a little higher.  When I am outside at night I feel like I am frozen straight through to my bones.  I just wondered if this is just something that happens with weight loss or maybe a band thing.

#2 I am having some pain with my major incision.  When I lay on my side I feel like I may rip in half.  Ok thats a bit dramatic but it is really uncomfortable.  I am not sure what is going on with that but I was wondering if anyone else had pain still after 3 weeks?  I get my first fill on the 11th of March and I am hoping that the pain is something normal and not something that may be wrong.

#3Did anyone else have a stitch sticking out of their skin?  I have one sticking out and I am afraid to do anything about it.  It gets real annoying because it catches on to stuff and feels really weird.  If you had the same problem what did u do?

#4  Did anyone use a product for reducing scars?  If you did when after surgery did u start and what product do you think works best?

I would really appreciate any answers.  I know what opinions are like lol but I love other peoples opinions.  5 brains are better then my half of one lol.  It is so great to be back! 

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Been on a mini vacation....

I have been gone for a while so thats why no blogs have been a flowin!  I have so much wonderfulness to share with you guys YAY.  But now I cannot cause the BF hasnt seen me in many days and he just wants to hang out.

I will be blogging real soon MWAHS!