Friday, February 26, 2010

*Robin is chirping a song*

Ok that is not only because it is a beautiful sunshine day with birds singing but thats also my real name ;)  Another little piece of info into me!  I am having a very very very good day.  From now on if I am having female issues I am coming straight to you guys to whine about it.  Just a warning lol.  I blog about it all whiney and BAM its gone!  THANK EVERYTHING IN EXISTENCE!  So I guess my horomanes went on break or vacation either way the break is way needed.

I woke up to suc a beautiful day.  It is cold but the sun is shining and the birds are chirping away.  I turned off the heat and opened the doors for a few just to let in fresh air even if it is crisp.  I am so glad I woke up in such a great mood like everything flipped while I slumbered.  It may also be because I woke up to a sweet kiss from my freshly showered sweetie before he headed out to work.  Ok that may have had alot to do with it.

I also woke up with this weird burst of energy today.  Letting some sun in helps alot too but wow.  I am totally digging this feeling.  I have cleaned a little and of course watching Ellen.  I LOVE HER!  I just feel like getting stuff done.  Another thing that made this a great start to a day is I hopped on the scale this morning and another pound down :D:D:D:D:D:D  296 296 296 WHAT A BEAUTIFUL NUMBER!  I decided to have faith and put it on my ticker and it told me I am bad at math.  Yesterday was 30 apparently and today is 31!!!  OMG!!!  REALLY???  I am sooo happy about that. 

I cant wait for spring to come!  Nothing makes me feel more alive and happy then sunshine and beauty.  I love spring because it is the perfect time to get out for a walk with the camera.  I am a nature photographer so spring brings out alot of beauty.  I feel creative and energetic.  Isnt that a beautiful combo?  I love watching the birds sing and build nests for their future.  Makes me want to buld my nest for the future.  I cant wait to get out with the BF for a trip to the lake for pictures or a camping trip with my brother to just get away. 

I hope everyone is having a great day!

2 weeks out today :)

AND 297 on the scale WOOT!  Thats 29 pounds!

Look at my Lemon Garlic Talapia!  YUMMY!!!!!  Yaya me.  I am not a good cook so I was worried but it came out so perfect I had to take a picture of the yummyness!

I got a new crockpot today!!  My sweet BF bought it for me as a late valentines present.  So we decided to grab some roast, potatoes, carrots, and onions mmmmm  Thanks to all the wonderful people who told me to get one lol.  I only had a few problems with the meat getting stuck but that was probably my fault for eating to fast considering it was My first solid food in 3 weeks and tastey to boot.

Sorry this is short but the bf wants to be hanging out and not have me at the computer all night LOL

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

I need help (in so many way)

First of all WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!!!!  I am not usually a real typical girl and have alot of tomboy issues lol  For the last couple days everything has been making me cry.  While reading alot of the blogs here I will be sitting here crying so hard I think the keyboards going to short out.  I read one tonight about a reached NSV of no longer over eating and I balled like a newborn.  No there is nothng sad going on in my life really everything is going well.  I sat and listened to music tonight and started crying again.  I think they took the band off my emotions and put it on my tummy. 

I have come to the conclusin that it has to be my horomones really out of whack.  As most of you who have been reading a while know I have issues talking about girly issues but I feel pretty comfortable here so here I go (sorry guys)  A week before surgery I started the girly time and IT HASNT STOPPED!  Tomorrow will be 2 weeks out.  That is 3 weeks!!  Did anyone else have this problem?  Is it because of losing weight?  Oh god and I think I will just melt into the floor if I have to ask my male doc this question!  I can barely talk to him without freaking out now and I am not sure why.  But to actually have to ask about this is going to kill me.  So I am really hoping you guys may have an answer.

I am an awful cook due to the fact I have always microwaved or gone for fast food.  Only months before surgery did I start using an oven.  I mess up alot but you have to mess up to learn.  Tonight I am going to try to cook Lemon Garlic Talapia.  Heres to hoping this turns out well!  If not I will just have to keep trying till I figure out this cooking thing.

As of tomorrow I am going to soft foods and not sure if I will change much of what I eat.  I am going to try this fish thing and that is my first time eating something more then taters and baby food.  Hope it goes well considering I am sooooo not used to this band thing.  I have never felt what full feels like so I am never sure what I am feeling.  I know when I take my vitamin or eat more solid foods it feels like I ate a brick. Maybe that is what full feels like but I just dont know.  I hope me and my body get more in sync soon so I know what the heck it is doing.

You know that stupid scale I was yelling about giving me the 305 the other day.  Well it apologized with a 298 today.  I dont know what that weird fluke was but it apologized and of course I accepted.  I have a feeling I am going to move this love/hate relationship with food and put it on my scale.  (I think my scale just rolled its eyes at me)  But I am dffinatly going to try cutting back on scale whoring.  I told my mom I weigh myself like 4 or more times a day and I thought her head was going to explode.  She told me I will just get myself down when I see it go up all day.  So maybe she is right (she is my perfect mother after all) so I am going through some scale withdrawl already.  I have only weighed 2 times today because I gave in but no more!

Thank you all so much for making me feel better in my last post.  You just dont know how happy all the comments make me feel.  I am not sure how you guys stay so positive all the time but thats what I want to do.  I want to try to be positive and happy.  I have never cared about myself.  I am changing alot of things in my life and trying to care more.  Those who read the facts about me I put up may have more insight as to why I have had a problem.  But I now know I deserve more.  I deserve to love me even if no one else wanted to.  I am blessed to have so many great people in my life and now you guys!  Reading your blogs and comments help me figure out myself and my body.  THANK YOU! 

P.S.  How in the world do I put the blogger award thing on the right side of my page?  I think it is pretty and I was told I could have it lol  If someone could let me in on the info id appreciate it ;)

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

bye bye 299

Well ok I was angry at myself today but after reading a certain blog I am not so angry anymore.  I felt like such a loser because I was at 299 the other day and was so happy I called people and wrote people to let them know.  Then that evil little piece of poop gave me the big 305 today!  UGH!  REALLY!!??!!  *enter sad pouty having a childs fit face here*  I wanted to smash the scale into a wall and just sit and cry.  People keep telling me how great I look and I just want to say well tell my tummy that so it will go back down. 

I seriously dont know how I could freakin gain weight.  My tummy has been so crazy I am having a hard time getting much of any thing else down but taters and baby food.  Right now my tummy is growling so loud I am sure the neighbor just looked around his apartment wondering where the strange noises are coming from.  Today I have had an atkins mocha latte shake, a stage 1 jar of bananas, and some bites of some jello sugar free choco mousse.  I am sure by the end of the night ill have some taters and maybe some more bananas or maybe a sugar free pudding cup.  Really?  That is gonna make me fat?  I was losing weight eating 2 cheeseburgers a day 3 weeks before my surgery.  So wtf?  Did I do the wrong thing?  Maybe I should have kept at it by myself.  But I know me way to well in a few months I would have given up completely and went to live at McDs.

I just dont think I have ever felt this frustrated.  I feel like everyone is looking at me and waiting for me to fail AGAIN!  And here I go giving fuel for the fire.  I know that I need to give it time because I am not even or just at 2 weeks out.  Maybe I should just stop looking at the scale.  My first thought (which I stopped) after the 305 was grrr screw it im going to get a freakin cheesburger if I am just going to gain anyways.  That thinking got me to 397 in the first place and I wont let it get me down dammit!  I will fight for my right to be the shrinking fat gurl!  I have been fat all my life and I am so impatient to get to 250 at least.  Id settle for 299 again right now. 

Wow ok that is a pitiful post so I am throwing some good stuff in here.  I got a new LG neon phone yesterday which makes me giddy as a school girl.  It is lime green and white with a slider keyboard :D  I also got a new funny book called "The Vampire Seduction Handbook"  So now I must find a vampire to seduce cause I have the right tools lol.  My mom got me some smelly goods from B&B works mmm Japanese cherry blossom  I got body spray, 2 lotions, and a room spray which tickled me pink.  She also got me a few other small treats like chop sticks, eyeliner (I really needed that I am so close to out and that is the only makeup I wear and I have to cause my eyes dissapear lol), a new buddha incense burner, and some awesome shot glasses.  Have I mentioned how awesome my mom is?  Well SHE IS!  And to pay back her awesomeness I went and helped her out today with a boring senior program job :)  But it was nice cause everyone there is on a diet so I dont feel out of place :D

Might not be a beautiful blogger but..

I really wanted to maybe give more info about myself so I am not just some random person.  I am sure ya dont want to know too much but a little info about me could only help he he he (and maybe show I am not really this crazy random girl lol ok I really am)

1.  I am the biggest mommas girl in the whole world.  Without her in my life I really wouldnt be here in many ways.  Not only did she give birth to me but she has saved my life more then once.  When I was 16 I had slit both my wrists and my mom walked in my room minutes later.  She usually would never just walk in my room because she believes in privacy.  She is my angel!  (that wasnt supposed to be sad its a happy thing in my mind)

2.  I am an actress and photographer.  I appeared in an indie film called "Goodbye Wendell" I also did behind the scenes photos and was the production assistant.  I figure maybe if someone cant see beauty maybe through my eyes they can :D  Photography is a gift to see beauty in the most common objects.  Acting has always been my releasebecause you dont have to be yourself.  You can become a whole new person.

3.  I have some major hoarding tendencies that I am trying to recover from.  Some of you know about my food hoardingbut it doesnt stop there.  I also "collect" (lol) bathrrom supplies, cleaning supplies, stuff for my many collections (shot glasses, buddhas, skulls ect), and clothes.  I have been working real hard at this and have thrown away alot more stuff lately :D

4.  I have 3 beautiful godchildren.  Gil is my crazy boy and the youngest.  I cant pick him up right now and he does not like that.  But he can already beat me up with his buffness so I have to wait lol  Loly is my youngest goddaughter and my little princess.  She always cheers me up with her hugs, kisses, and pretty drawings.  She knows my favorite color and uses it in every picture.  And then there is my lou lou!  She is my teenage (nd first) god daughter.  She is so smart and unique!  She is way ahead of her class mates and has always been next to genuis.  She makes me so proud!  Her mother and I have said for years I must really be her dad because she is alot like me.  I also have a new baby in my life.  I am her second godmother but love her just the same.  My little ducky baby never fails to make me melt with her smile.  When I have children I would be proud if they turned out like my wonderful godchildren.

5.  When I was younger I was a little less then a hundred pounds heavier.  I was called the stinky kid because I was fat and poor.  That led to an obsession with good smelling things.  I have a ton of lotion, purfume, candles, sprays, and incense.  I wont leave my hose without spraying purfume on me and if I forget I will turn around and come back if my back up supplies arent in the car.  I used to be so crazy that id have purfume stashed EVERYWHERE!  There is not a room in my house that does not have at least 2-3 different scents to choose from to spray.  Ok I warned you I am a crazy one ;)  And way too truthful for my own good.

(I really hope half of you havent clicked delete already lol  I know the other half is just as crazy so heres to hoping :D)

6.I am falling in love with baby food.  I dont know about meals and what not but their fruits are something awesome.  I am a fruit adddict and may make this (baby food) a part of my future diet.  If you havent tried any yet the next time your there pick up a fruit treat from your baby Isle (organic of course)  Strawberry banana is a personal favorite of mine :) 

7.  I am a true Gemini!  I have duel personalities.  I like to look at them as the dark side and the light side.  You can really tell this when you enter my house.  First of all I live in a zero bedroom house and if you dont know what that is it is a room with a kitchen and a bathroom attached.  I split my room into bedroom and office.  Ok when you walk in bedroom side of the room is decorated in skulls and a huge vampire girl poster.  My kitchen is stars with some suns and moons.  My office is decorated with Buddhas (the fat happy one I have like 150 of them), shot glasses, and books of course.  My bathroom is decorated with animated happy penquins.  There is a different feeling everywhere u walk lol

(I am sure I am the only one left here!  I am sure some have fallen asleep and others noticed there were so many better things to do with their time LOL  And if you have hung in you get a gold star!!!)

8.  I volunteer at my local food bank.  Not only because I love being there and interactin and helping people but my mom is a caseworker there.  You would not believe all the people in your community that need help.  We offer everything from food, personal items, help with rent and utilities, all the way to emergency housing for domestic abuse survivors.  It has to be one of the most rewarding parts of my life!  When you have a grown man come in crying like a baby because he feels like he is letting down his family cause he has no job, making him smile will make your week or month.  The rewards you get from helping a mother of 3 who is struggling to feed her children is amazing.  Changing the life of a woman with children straight from the hospital after her husband beating her almost to death changes your life!  I would beg of you to make yourself feel amazing and completely change the life of another person donate to your local food bank or non profit that benifits your local community.  You never know you could be next.

(this is the last one I SWEAR!  If you have made it through you deserve a 4 pound weight loss today!)

9.  I AM A SURVIVOR!!  I have touched death and lived through alot of major things.  I survived child sexual abuse by a family member.  It brought me closest to death when I tried to end my life due to not being able to cope.  I am a survivor of domestic abuse.  I was strong and left him with alot of support from the people who love me.  I was knee boarding and the rope got wrapped around my neck and dragged behind a boat.  I was watching as the board came closer to my head and the boat engine died.  I have often thought I have angels on my side.  As a child I watched my mom, brother, and I get beat daily by a very abusive man.  It changed all of our lives and brought us closer together but it was hard.  When I was a child my mother was an alcoholic and drug addict which made her become abusive.  She gave her life to god and is a new woman now.  She is now an amazing woman I really look up to.  I have survived drugs and alcohol myself.  When I was a teenager I almost died due to inhaling spray paint.  Not smart but I survived!  There are so many more times I could talk about.  This has proven to me I am a strong woman!!!!!!!  If I can make it through all of this I can do anything.  Thats what gives me strength to make it throught my daily struggles with food and my weight.

Ok if you made it this far you must be the angel looking over me lol.  But I would like to thank all of you beautiful people I have met on here.  You all feel like my real friends.  Your comments make my day!!  Coming here and having new comments is better then a cheeseburger.  I dont have the best brain in the world and some of you have really been helping me out.  When I ask questions its because I really have no clue.  I would feel so alone without you guys.  There are only 2 people I know with the lapband one is a computer friend and the other is a good friend who lives across the state.  I see him maybe 2 times a year.  When I do I bombard him with questions.  So I am sure he appreciates you guys too lol ;)  If you know anyone who doesnt have me as a friend let them know about me.  Nothing makes me happier then a new friend and someone who understands what I am going through!

I hope you guys dont mind me doing this even though I wasnt nominated.  I really just wanted you guys to get to know me a little since I have been learning about you guys through the BB thing.  If this is breaking a rule or I need to take this down please let me know cause I did it out of fun not disrespect.  And thanks for reading *BIG HUGS*  Ohhhh #10 I am a hugger big time ;)  I hug online and off.  Nothing says I care to me more than a friendly hug.

Monday, February 22, 2010

bright as a burnt out lightbulb!

Have you ever just forgot that you have a band?  Ok maybe it is because I am my own super brand of special but I was not thinking.  Well now that I am thinking about it, not thinking has got me to where I am today im sure.  This morning I got up and in a half asleep stuper I grabbed a banana.  Let me remind you I am in the mushy stage right now.  Yes this banana was way ripe and in its own mushy stage but NOT ENOUGH!  As soon as I took 2 bites I was awake and apparently stuck.  Wow what a feeling that was.  It was a mix between gas, an asthma attack, and a heart attack.  I have never had that feeling and it scared me to DEATH!  So needless to say the bananas went straight into the trash as not to make that mistake again.  And I went out and bought some baby food ones that are suprisingly yummy. 

Id really like to thank you all who left comments on my cheeseburger post and left such awesome ideas.  I am now looking forward to real food time to make my own burger "with lettuce bun" :D  I might not be as good as McDs but hey least I know whats going into my mouth!  I was watching inside edition sometime and they scared me with resturants.  I never thought about "where have these trays been"  They showed le level of bacteria growing on the trays.  They found large amounts of fecel matter and whatnot UGH *insert green face here*  the more I find out about fast food the less it appeals to me.  I have also had friends that work at fast food jobs and their stories are enough to make anyone stop. 

Do all of you banded people drink the hot beverage in the morning?  I havent been doing this the last couple days and it seems I am having more sticking problems.  I really need to get a hold on the chew chew chew thing.  I have always inhaled my food.  I am the typical fat girl people talk about. I mostly fit the stereotype lol.  Inhale food check inhale drink check hide in the corner eat 2 boxes of little debbies check.  Little debbie is evil!!  McDs is evil!  Man when I look back I have really not cared about myself ever.  Thats sad.

God I am missing my cereal right now and oatmeal just isnt the same. mmmm raisin bran...speaking of... do any of you have problems with raisins?  I used to eat like 3 large boxes of sunmaid raisins a week.  I know I cant eat a ton anymore but are a few ok?

I am sort of scared to eat anything beside the taters and baby food right now after that stupid banana this morning.  Is that what restriction is going to feel like?  I am not sure I want it if thats what it feels like.  I dont know why I am so scared of my band.  I know it is going to help me but I just dont want to mess up.  I now know messing up comes with pain.  Once my head locks on that Im afraid I wont want to eat at all which is another problem all in its own.  I dont know why mentally it is all or nothing with me.  I can already tell this is teaching me alot about who I am.  It is doing its job now I need to do mine.  It is making me (besides this morning) stop and think before eating. 

I will get better at this.  I am having to learn all over again what and how to eat.  I keep feeling like I should be better at this already.  But I forget that it took me almost 30 years of learning to eat the way I did.  I am not going to become perfect overnight.  It will take time and energy to do the right thing.  The band is not on my brain!!  I have to do that changing and I WILL!  I should be proud of my accomplishments so far.  I have lost 22 pounds.  I shrunk my liver perfectly and had no slip ups.  I have had the chance to get a cheeseburger and have not even tried to.  I did slip up and eat a reeses very slowly tonight but only 1 and not a whole bag. 

The reason I did that is because I woke up and for the first time since I was young I got on my home scale and it said 299.  I havent been below 300 in A LONG TIME!  I was almost 400 in high school.  I guess it was like 6th or 7th grade since I have seen a 2 in front of my weight.  Why did I celebrate with a reeses and possibly screw that up?  I dont know some more brain changing needs to be done there.  I cant wait for my first fill to see what their scale says :)  I am going by theirs officially and I dont know what mine is compared to theirs.  When I weighed 305 on theirs that morning I weighed here and it was 311.  So I told her I like their scales better.  She said I need to clibrate mine but it is digital and I am not sure how to do that.

Wow ok I am very random tonight so I am going to stop there :)

Saturday, February 20, 2010

EHHHH GADDDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AHHHH!!!!!!  Cheeseburgers are stalking me!  I hate the tv because every time I look there is another yummy juicy cheeseburger dripping with yumminess on my freakin screen.  I feel like I am being held in a cell and tortured.  I dont want it and I know I dont need it.  But it wants me reeeeaaalll bad!   I feel so weak.  I mean I could be weaker but I feel so childlike.  I want to lay in the floor and whine that I cant eat it.  What am I going to do????  Will I ever break up this horrible relationship me and mr cheeseburger share?  My kryptonite makes me soooo weak.  I can almost taste it drip on my tounge.  Anyone else have this problem and how in the world did you deal with it.  I could live the rest of my life without most food but not sure I will be able to break the hold a mcdonalds #4 has over me.

Thursday, February 18, 2010


I had my first post op appt yesterday and the Dr said I have lost 22 pounds!!!!!!  OMG OMG OMG!  That is awesome!!!  He said he was real proud of me and he thinks I will do great.  I am almost below 300 now.  I havent been below 300 since I was in middle school.  I was 327 when I started the process of getting the band in may.  I was 397 pounds when I graduated High school in 1998.  The 6 months (actually 9 because I messed up) of nutrution classes really seemed to help.  I was not taught proper nutrition growing up.  We were very poor and it was eat what you can get because it may be a day or so till you can eat again.  You would think that would make me a skinny kid but no no.  That started years of hoarding food and scarfing it alone before anyone else could see me eating. 

I decided to clean my house of alot of food when I started the process.  The food I had hidden back would have been enough to feed a family of 4 for at least a month.  I still dont have much money but I am not poor anymore.  I have a no bedroom apartment.  It is a room with a bathroom and kitchen.  I pay my bills and have extra money to spend.  Before starting this every bit of my extra money was spent on fast food and cigarettes. 

As of the 11th of Feb I have taken the band stand.  I was so scared going in for the surgery.  I didnt sleep the night before.  My bf stayed the night and I kept him up all night so he fell asleep before I went into surgery.  But luckily I had my family by my side.  He only slept a few hours then he was up and calling to see how things were going.  They gave me the little blue pill that made me not care at all.  Then they wheeled me back to get the other stuff started then wheeled me on to the surgery room and thats where I loose my memory.  The next thing I know I am waking up in the big white room.  I have to say that is the weirdest part of it all because the last thing you knew you were doing good now your in pain and dont know anyone around.  There was also excitement because a kid just came out of surgery and was freaking out and yanking cords and stuff.  I understood the kids feeling because that was my first thought too.

I then got wheeled back to my room.  I GOT ICE CHIPS!!  OMG they were next to heaven at that point.  They told me to go easy but the cold wetness in my mouth was so wonderful.  Then my family came in and was taking pictures.  I got up and walked to the bathroom and done the business.  Yay I was doing good.  I got home from the hospital and I was feeling awesome.  I sat up and had some broth and watched tv.  My mom done what moms do best and started cleaning lol.  Oh my wonderful virgo mother.  The bf just didnt know what to do and kept asking me if I needed anything. 

The first couple days werent bad but I did have a bottle of liquid loratab so maybe thats why ;)  These last 3 days things have started to get real though.  The hunger has came back with a vengence.  The liquids arent making me feel full anymore.  Today I started on blender food.  I had a whole package of mashed potatoes!  UGH :(  You would think that 22 I posted up there with so much excitement would have mattered a little more but the hunger attack was ravenous.  I mean seriously when am I going to get a hold on this?  I went through surgery to help and I still let it overtake me?  At least I didnt go to mcdonalds and blend a number 4 up in the blender but I feel just as guilty.  In 3 weeks I get my first fill.  I am not sure what a fill is going to feel like.  It wont be much of one but it will show what it is going to be like and what to expect.  I hope this ends up being what I need and not another screw up on my part!

Thursday, February 11, 2010

A little ouchie!

I made it through and I am now home :)  IM ON THE OTHER SIDE!!!!!  I do hurt but plan to take some liquid loratab soon to take care of that.  I cant sit here long but I wanted tyo let you all know I did good!  And on my pre op diet I lost 14 pounds!!!  GO ME!

I felt all the love, prayers, and well wishes.  It made me feel loved and empowered to make it through!  Thank you all sooooo much for your support.  I will write again soon *hugs*

Wednesday, February 10, 2010


Tomorrow is the big day and I think I am starting to panic.  I cant even imagine what tomorrow is going to be like.  I have to be there at 7:30 am.  THATS 12 HOURS FROM NOW!!  I really hope everything goes smoothly and the pain isnt as bad as my head is making it out to be.  I am such a big baby lol.  But at least I know and admit it.  I know I can do this!!  I have been getting phone calls, visits, and messages today that have made me feel very loved and thought of :)  And thanks to everyone on here that have made me feel a bit more comfortable and cared about :)

I am trying to work on the house but my brain is so scattered that I cant focus very well.  I got clothes washed and towels folded and random little things that dont amount to much lol  I am running on excess nervous energy.  Its so hard to blieve that tomorrow is the begining of a whole new life.  I had been doing all this stuff for the end result (surgery)  And now that its here I am freaking out.  I just feel like I am floating or its dreamlike.  All this time I thought for sure since I wanted it so bad that there is no way it could happen.  Around every corner I was expecting something to crush the dream.  But tomorrow is the day and IT IS REALLY HAPPENING!  I am feeling very emotional about this.  WHEW!!! 

I know this blog is a bunch of randomness but like I said I am just trying to release stuff from my head so maybe I can focus.  And I keep getting interupted by people calling and I cant even focus on what they are saying. lol  Ok I am going to quit before the men in white coats come to take me away HA HA

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

liquids go in liquids go out

Day after tomorrow and I will be BANDED!!!!  I have had a rough day or so.  The lack of food started to get to me alot.  I almost broke down and went to McDs.  But I smacked myself back to reality.  I even got my mom to escort me to Walmart so that I did not try to buy something I didnt need.  I didnt know I was going to drink so much broth and eat so much jello.  I ran out and had to restock.  But man I never noticed how yummy walmart smells.  Especially walking by the deli and bakery section.  That chicken cooking about killed me!!!!!! (chicken is my weakness and cant wait to eat it again)

So the BF decided to take off the day of surgery like everyone else.  I know of 8 or 9 people that will be in the waiting room and I just dont get it.  I know they are there to support me but I wont know they are there.  I am going into surgery at 7:30 and all these people want to be up early and sitting at a hospital???  I dont want to sound like I dont appreciate it because I really do.  But there are only 2 people allowed to come back with me and that is my mother and brother.  The only other possible person I will let come back is the BF.

I really like the Atkins shakes and I think I would really like to keep them as part of my routine.  My fav flavors are vanilla, mocha latte, and strawberry.  I didnt think I would like them as much as I do.  I find myself looking forward to them!  Not only are they tastey but they also make me feel full for a while.  The other plus is they sort of fill my need for something sweet.  Sweet things are my weakness and why I look the way I do lol  I used to eat a whole box of little debbies by myself.  Before getting ready for this surgery I found a great sugarfree alternative called Tastey Kakes.  I really miss them right now.  I can almost taste that yummy spongy orange cake :D  Ok maybe I should stop talking about food before I go crazy lol.  I will just sip my yummy juice with a heap of benefiber.  I find that actually helps a little to fill me up. 

OMG!!!!  I cant believe it is almost here.  This last year I have worked so hard to get me where I am today.  I never thought Id actually get here.  I always had the fear in the back of my brain that something would go wrong and I wouldnt get it.  I mean something could go wrong during surgery but heres to hoping it doesnt.  I think my luck has changed and the fates are working with me on this.  I know this is meant to be for me!! 

Did anyone before their surgery have the feeling a LB angel came into their life?  Ok I know that sounds weird but I am pretty sure it happened to me.  Before I even knew for sure if I wanted this I had a very strange experience.  I was in an elevator at the hospital and this woman I dont know looks at me and asked me when my surgery was.  I was thrown off a bit because at this point only my mom knew that I was checking into it.  I said what do you mean and she said the lapband surgery.  That totally threw me off so I went on to tell her that I was just looking into it right now.  That woman was the reason I decided to have it.  She told me it had changed her life and would change mine too.  Then this woman I dont know pulls up her shirt and pulls down her pants a bit to show me her scars.  I could tell she wasnt to far out because they werent healed all the way.  That made me feel so much better because I was hoping they wouldnt be horrible.  But anyway I am really glad that random woman was there that day and I think she was my LapBand Angel!

Sunday, February 7, 2010

Crabby Patty

3 days down of the LSD.  Day 4 now and feeling very anxious.  I want this all to hurry and be on the other side.  I think I have a theory as to why I was feeling so good.  I have been a diabetic for many years.  I also havent taken great care of myself like I should.  I still drank coke every once in a while and ate other sugary stuff.  Only in the last couple months did I start trying to work on it real hard.  So I honestly think my body was thanking me for letting it have a break.  I have already lost 8 pounds :)  I thought most all the LSD was the same but apparently not because I am allowed some food.  I can have 1/2 cup of cottage cheese, a SF pudding cup, 2 cups raw veggies, and a banana in one day.  I also only have to do it for a week.  So I am just going to count my blessings on that one!

I am feeling a little more weak and crabby today.  I dont know if it is from being impatient, hungry or...I started my period. GRRR Really!?!  4 days before surgery I started.  I knew it was going to happen.  I am not sure what to do about it though.  Can you wear a pad or tampon in surgery?  And isnt it going to be a while before you are able to change if it is a tampon?  So that makes that option sound dangerous.  I dont think I can call the office and ask such a question.  Id be so embarassed.  My mom yells at me sometimes and tells me all women do it and I shouldnt be embarassed.  I even have a hard time going to the store to buy stuff like that I need.  Most of the time my mom will go do it for me.  Lol  Wow ok this makes me sound so weird and I cant believe I just told people that.  (sorry guys I am a bit crazy and have issues)

Everyone is getting as excited as me now.  I am going to have a waiting room full of people stopping in.  I wont know they are there so I told people sleep late and dont worry.  All I really need is my mom and brother.  She is my strength and my brother keeps me laughing and in good spirits.  My bf will be working and he will meet me at the house when I get back.  He and my mother will be here with me for the next couple days afterwards.  I count my blessings there too.

I really should be cleaning house today because I need everything to be good when I get home.  I also want to make some things easier.  The only problem Im having now is I am not sure if I will be able to sleep in my bed.  It is a matress and box spring on the floor.  I dont have a couch and my chair is almost as low as the bed.  I think that is going to be the worst part.  Having to get up from all the low areas of my house.  I mean I have a hard time now getting up let alone being cut on too.  I guess we will cross that bridge when we get there.

Saturday, February 6, 2010

I dont understand!

WTF this is my 3rd day of the liquid diet and I havent had any hunger pangs or feel weak.  I am feeling completely opposite of what they told me Id be feeling.  I am feeling unusually energetic and alive.  Which makes me think something is wrong.  The dietician told me Id be weak and possibly emotional.  I am pretty sure I am following it right.  I just dont understand because I have heard all the horror stories and stuff and how miserable people are.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

7 days till....

Well I had all my testing yesterday.  It was a day full of stuff that wore me out.  I woke up at 5 am for no good reason.  So I got a shower and stuff and headed out the door.  I started off with the chest xray.  Then the most horrible test I have ever taken in my life.  I never EVER want to do another barium swallow!!!  That stuff was so horrible and luke warm.  It hit bottom real hard and made me sick all day.  Then had to give many tubes of blood and pre register.  Then I got an EKG.  After all that I really was ready for a nap. 

I also had to do 3 classes and talk to the surgeon again.  The classes were very informative.  I felt weird because I was with 3 other people but they were all much older then me.  I would have felt better if there was another person around my age doing it.  I really wanted someone getting surgery on the same day to have as a band friend.  But they didnt really talk to me and seemed to know each other already.  So that was my sad moment.  I thought for sure Id make a band friend.  But at least I have people to talk to here even if we cant go for coffee :) 

Today is the first day of the liquid diet.  Luckily I have the best mom in the world and she bought me all sorts of different flavors of protein drinks.  I tasted the milk chocolate today and ugh not so yummy.  I thought the chocolate whey protein was better but it just doesnt mix well.  Thats why I thought the shakes would be easier.  But I have other flavors to try and maybe one of them will be good.  I am already getting sick of jello and I have only had 1 today.  I guess it is the fact knowing I cant have any good food right now.  Honestly Id go a week with nothing and starving to get the surgery so at least they allow me to enjoy taste. 

I have a feeling on day 3 I will be going crazy.  I told my boyfriend he is not allowed at the house till I say so.  He is so sensative and I can be so mean.  If I dont have food Im afraid Id end up stabbing him or something then trying to cook him like a steak lol He agreed and said if I need him he is just a call away.  He and my mother have both taken off time from work for surgery and days after.  They both take care of me so well!  I know my mom is mean enough she can handle me at my worst lol  She will just give me attitude back :) 

Surgery is soooooo close!!!!!!  7 days just seems almost too close lol  It feels like a dream that in days my life will be changing.  I have to be there at 730 am which is way early but if I wake up early I will pace the floor freaking out and probably crying.  The nurse in the bariatric clinic said to ask for something as soon as I get there because she seen that I am already freakin pretty bad.  I am feeling ALOT of emotions.  The biggest 2 are scared and excited.  I am hopeful though that everything will turn out well.  Dr Swain is a nice man and hasnt had problems yet so heres to hoping :)

Monday, February 1, 2010

Do fingernails have protein? cause im chewin em

Man I didnt know I would be so scared. I am 2 days away from pre-op testing and 3 days away from the LSD. Everything is getting too real. I practiced the LSD today. How crazy does that sound? I just wanted to see if I could do it sort of like a practice run. I actually did a great job. So I have a little more confidence going into this. The powdered stuff isnt too bad. When I was younger we had this cheap powder chocolate to mix with milk and it taste EXACTLY like it. It even clumps together the same! So not too bad and at least I still get my choco fix.

I am starting to panic about the surgery. It is 11 days away! I am not used to any surgery things. I have been lucky up to this point. I am a big baby really. I am scared of the pain I will have when I wake up. Thinking about it now tears start forming in my eyes. I want to look like I am being strong for everyone. But inside I think I am falling apart. I am having second thoughts. Everytime I start having them I try to tell myself it is my fear doing it. Most of the time it works....

I did have something good happen this week. I finally got some sleep pants from wal mart. I used to be a 30/32 untill I found out I was a diabetic. Ever since then I have been trying to change my habits so I dont die or lose a limb. I got a top and bottom that was 22/24 It is still a bit tight but it made me happy. I cant wait to make it down more :D