Thursday, March 4, 2010

Im starting to love me more!

WARNING: This may be long I have alot of catching up lol

  Boy have I missed my blogger friends.  Its nice having you guys everyday to make me feel amazing.  So needless to say I was having a few withdrawls from you guys.  I have so much catching up. I doubt I will get caught up on all the blogs but I did miss you guys bunches and I am soooo glad to be back.  I hope everyone has been doing well and having great days!!

To start off with I am going to say I LOVE ME!! I am going to repeat this 30 times a day till I lose all my weight then I know I am going to believe it.  I have always hated myself.  I always felt like there was something wrong with me because crappy things were attracted to me like a magnet.  I knew for sure there was a tattoo on my head I coudnt see that said "Please treat me like SH*T" (please forgive my nasty word)  So much to the point I started treating MYSELF like that.  I stuffed my face day and night with all the wrong food.  I used drugs and alcohol like it was going out of style.  I smoked 2 packs of cigarettes a day.  *cant believe Im going to admit this to the world but I have to admit it to myself* I was very sexually charged and didnt care who or why I was doing what I was doing.  While I was doing all this I thought it was completely normal!!!

I now look back and see that it was all because I hated myself and didnt care if I lived or died.  I already felt dead inside so nothing could hurt me.  During these last couple years I have been trying to change my mentality.  I have always heard treat others the way you want to be treated.  I didnt understand all this being treated bad because I tried to be so nice to everyone.  I want that statement changed!  I want it to say "treat yourself like you want others to treat you"  If you treat yourself like you are nothing others will too.  If you treat yourself well then you will be more likely to see when someone is treating you wrong and get out of the situation.  That all started to sink in more when I left a mentally and physically abusive relationship.  I started to see that I deserved more good things then I was allowing myself to recieve or give myself.  More and more I am starting to love me.  I now could care less if no one else ever loves me.  I think I am a beautiful soul!!!!!!

Ok enough mental lesson now on to some fun things...
OMG guess what!!....are you thinking?...Did ya guess??  No ok no clues so prob not many good guesses LOL  I HAVE A PAIR OF JEANS!!! For my vacation I went to Eastern TN in the mountains to visit some friends.  My bff E is smaller then me and has been working hard the old fashion way to lose weight.  She let me into her closet for a try your size party.  I made her pick out her biggest clothes because i am quite a bit bigger but her biggest is size 28 jeans (already wore out so prob more like a 30)  Ok the last time I found jeans they were a 46 and a 44.  I had to go to cathrines and order them usually.  I FIT HER 28s!!!  I now own those pair of jeans because I went screaming and crying and jumping through her house.  I also got 2 new 2x shirts.  2x yes thats what I said so I am going to repeat that 2x!!!!!!!!!  I noticed though most of my 4x is getting pretty baggy.  Of course I didnt know any of this because I dont shop.  I hate stores because they always make me feel so much more fat and angry with myself.  So now I know and I am so happy.

Yesterday I got on the scale and saw a 295.  So you know I was happy with that.  I am so amazed at my body actually working with me.  I usually dont lose weight like this.  My most productive diet was a mixture of meth and excercise.  I lost 80 pounds but I didnt feel good about myself.  Thank god I will never deal with any of that again.  Now I have a new view on life and hope for the future.  Now that I am doing this the right way I feel like I should reward myself when I hit goals.  For everything I have accomplished till now I went and bought myself some flip flops, a new stuffed penguin (Another one of my "collections") lol, some jelly bracelets (yes I still wear those lol I sometimes forget it is 2000s now), and some word search books.  I think I deserved to buy myself stuff lol

I also learned that walking is becoming much easier.  We ended up going to walmart 3 times in one day and walking all over the place.  They just bought their first house so there is alot needed lol.  I used to have problems getting through walmart one time.  It was so big Id sit down half way and act like I was waiting for someone cause I was wore out.  Plus I have alot of medical issues (a few of which I really hope go away with the weight)  So it was pretty rough on me.  This weekend we went shopping to many places and 3 different walmart (1 of which was my fault cause I forgot to buy my shakes lol)  But I was so happy that I didnt have most of my usual issues.  I was real tired after all that but there were no sitting breaks.

#1  Is anyone else getting cold with weight loss?  I have always been really hot and lately I am noticing I need more clothes and the house temp a little higher.  When I am outside at night I feel like I am frozen straight through to my bones.  I just wondered if this is just something that happens with weight loss or maybe a band thing.

#2 I am having some pain with my major incision.  When I lay on my side I feel like I may rip in half.  Ok thats a bit dramatic but it is really uncomfortable.  I am not sure what is going on with that but I was wondering if anyone else had pain still after 3 weeks?  I get my first fill on the 11th of March and I am hoping that the pain is something normal and not something that may be wrong.

#3Did anyone else have a stitch sticking out of their skin?  I have one sticking out and I am afraid to do anything about it.  It gets real annoying because it catches on to stuff and feels really weird.  If you had the same problem what did u do?

#4  Did anyone use a product for reducing scars?  If you did when after surgery did u start and what product do you think works best?

I would really appreciate any answers.  I know what opinions are like lol but I love other peoples opinions.  5 brains are better then my half of one lol.  It is so great to be back! 


  1. I am so glad you are back! Yeah on the smaller sizes! As you probably recall, I was banded 2/12 so we are real close in where we are at. Yes, I have pain in my incision, especially when I lie down. If I feel around the incision site, I can feel hardness behind it. I've also had a cold and been coughing a lot which isn't too much fun. I also have a couple of stitches sticking out. One kept catching on my bra so I trimmed it down with cuticle scissors. The knot is still there, but the extra material is gone and it is much better. I am curious about the scar cream too. I've always thought that stuff was kind of a waste of money, but I've got some major scars forming and it would be nice if there was a way to soften them.

  2. Glad you are back.
    I don't have a lap band but I have opinions. LOL
    #1 - I just posted on this. I am a sweat-er but not anymore - I am cold a lot due to weight loss.
    #2 no idea - ha!
    #3 - I had stitches sticking out both after my breast reduction and tummy tuck. If I could pull them easily (without tugging) I pulled them myself.
    #4 no but I know tons do. I think you scar how you scar and no cream is gonna change that...I've learned the love the scars - they make me - me and I am trying to feel the same way about my stretch marks.

  3. I just wrote you a HUGE long essay and then promptly had it disappear before posting :(!!!

    Anyway - so glad you are starting to love yourself! Such a hard thing to do. You are such a nice person I would actually like to change that saying around again. "Treat yourself the way you treat others" I could guarantee that you would be proud and encouraging of a friend you has been through the things you have - I very much doubt you would think them unworthy :) When you start talking negatively to yourself (and we all do!) turn it around and imagine what you would say if you were talking to a friend instead of yourself!

    Phew - hopping off my soap box now :D


    Q1 - Lots of people have said on their blogs that they have gotten colder since surgery. It's summer over here so I haven't noticed - but my doctor said that it would be like taking off a blanket when I lost weight

    Q2 - week 5 and I still have pain around my incision at times.

    Q3 - I found a huge string sticking out of mine!!! I cut it off - I figured as my doctor hadn't made a time to come in to have a stitch taken out that it was probably supposed to be disolvable.

    Q4 - I used Bio Oil for a while - but I think I may have overdone it as I gave myself a rash!! At the moment I'm just moisturising.

    Sorry if this is a bit disjointed but my 3 year old decided to sit next to me at the computer!

  4. It's so great that you've found your way out of the dark place you were in. I give you so much credit.

  5. So0o0o0o0 happy for you!! You sound like such a great, sweet person and you deserve to be treated as such. Continue to keep your chin up and congratulations on your jeans victory! :)

  6. Hi Robin - good you're feeling more cheerful. (I'm trying tilapia for dinner today, by the way, and it's all down to you - just thought you'd like to know!!)
    Yes, I feel cold more easily now, but it's come as a relief, because I felt the heat really badly, and actively avoided going anywhere in the summer.
    My port incision feels a little sore most of the time because of when they inject me with the fills and they can't always find the port, but the soreness of the operation disappeared after a month or two. I didn't have stitches sticking out anywhere, though the wounds seeped for a bit longer than they should have done, and the nurses at my local doctor's surgery were keeping an eye on me.
    The problem I have after 15 months is the amount of scar tissue in the port area, which makes it difficult for the person giving me a fill to find the port. They've written "difficult fill" in my notes! :(
    Well done on your NSV's!! Keep on blogging, won't you.

  7. Welcome back Joey!!! How exciting is it to go shopping in a friends closet!!! Size 28 congrats, you are doing awesome!.
    As far as the questions go #1 Yes you get colder with weight loss as you do not have all that extra padding anymore to keep you warm
    #2 I had a little pain, as long as it is not swollen or leaking you should be ok. #3 yes I had a stitch sticking out just a little bit that really annoyed the heck out of me. I was so tempted to pull it but dont. I went to the doc and they just snapped the little end off, it will eventually fall off itslef. #4 I have not used anything on my scars
    PS You are such a strong woman for going through all you have and still having a beautiful attitutde. Yes say that to yourself everyday, you have to beleive it

  8. Lightbulb moments are so great! And getting into smaller clothes is even better. You're doing great. Since we were banded almost on the same day here is my take:
    #1: I am freezing and have been since on the pre-op diet. I have no idea but guess it is because I lost a lot of that crappy internal abdominal fat. I am always turning up the furnace-my son and hubby are so happy it is warm in the house again.
    #2: My port site is still sore (over 3 weeks). I can lie on my left side for about 5 minutes before it gets uncomfortable. It gets better each day so figure it will just take time. My stomach is still swollen around the port site. Looks funny. And I still have a major bruise.
    #3: I took out my own stitch (I posted about it). Your doctor/nurse can do this if it isn't dissolving. Mine was to come out at 2 weeks. You could probably wait until your fill and have them cut it off then.
    #4: No clue if anything works for scars. Some are using vitamin E cream so you might try that. As long as your incisions aren't oozing anything.

    Keep up the great work. So glad you are moving on in the world. The weight will follow. Have a great day.

  9. Great post! Yes, I get very cold since surgery & I always used to be hot. By the way - I collect Penguins too!!!! I've been collecting them for over 25 years - oops I'm showing how old I am :)

  10. @ amanda- Ya my scars are looking pretty rough too thats why I was asking. I have a bad scar on my face that I should have got stitches for and didnt so I dont want horrible scars everywhere!
    @ drazil thanks :)
    @workinprogress Im sorry computers suck sometimes! You are so awesome glad your one of my band friends. You can hop on your soap box anytime lol
    @bonnie THANKS :)
    @ashli thank you so much :)
    @lonicera Talapia is so yoummy and GREAT on protein. I have never been a fish person but I am now.
    @carla thank you so much :)
    @sandy lightbulb moments ARE great! Thank you
    @dawn PENGUINS ROCK! I found the cutest penguin ever. TY makes a new thing called beanie boos and the penquin is soooo cute I couldnt resist lol

  11. Yes, I am cold a lot more than what I used to be, although I still find myself warm at times (like now, have a fan going in my office).

    Yes I did have a couple of stitches. One I was able to remove, the other the surgeon removed when I went in for a fill.

    I've got some vitamin E oil that I use when I remember.

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  13. Glad your home and GREAT NSV on the jeans and tops!!! I'm cold/less insulation. My incisions were glued, but I had one internal stitch thread sticking out...the Doc just gave it a small yank and cut it off (it was like a piece of clear fishing line). I did by some scar oil, but I always forget to use it. The incision and port pain will last awhile. My port area still gets sore from time to time.

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