Tuesday, January 26, 2010


Starting to feel even crazier! lol  I am trying not to smoke and not to snack.  Your house can only get soo clean.  What did you guys do to ignore the food?  Is there a trick I dont know about? lol  As of tomorrow it will be 2 weeks till B day  I am having the worst feeling that something is not going to work out.  I have testing in a week and I keep fearing that something will go wrong.  This is me just panicing right?  I have just been too lucky up till this point.  Is this really meant to be....I hope so!

Since I havent been to the center to get the tesing I havent learned very much.  Could you guys tell me what I should have at the house after surgery.  Things that might make things easier?  Someone told me to get baby silverware and plates.  Did u guys do that?  What did you wish you had once u came back after surgery (other then food and water lol)

I am so glad to have people to ask questions to.  I get lost in the big forums.  I will write something and next time I go back I cant find it anywhere.  You guys are all so nice and helpful.  Thanks so much.  I am sorry if you get tired of me asking so many questions.  This has to be the biggest thing that has happened to me.  And at this point I cant sleep or fill my time so I am feeling REAL crazy.  I live alone and have no one to talk to except the dust bunnies.  Now they are going away too.  I deffinatly need to figure out something to do.

OH ya and I was wondering.  The chewable vitamins they talk about, I had flinstone gummies but I looked and they have sugar so it wont work right?  What did u guys get?  I have the chewable calcium and b-complex.  I really want to be prepared and do things right. 

*wow I went back and read this and thought man I really do sound like a spaz HA HA HA

Monday, January 25, 2010

Phat girl says what?

 I have always been proud of who I am as a fat person.  I loved myself when no one else would so I know myself well.  I am not doing surgery to look good because I am already super hot lol  But I am doing this to get AWAY from meds. It will all be worth it when there are no shots and I am doing a happy dance on a pile of pills.  Seems like just a fantasy now... but someday it will be reality.

I am doing something today that goes against my fat nature.  I am throwing out/donating most of my food.  I dont need any temptation when it comes to the preop diet.  This task is HUGE.  I am a bit of a food hoarder so I have a ton of food.  I gave some to my friends, family, and the local food bank.  Now I am in the process of throwing out all the stuff that was not given away (due to it being open or almost empty)  It was so hard to throw away the reeses shell.  I havent used it but 1 time in the last nine months and there was only a teaspoon left but it still hurt.  I have so much more throwing away to do but I needed a break or I was going to sit in the floor and cry.  I feel like I am breaking up with bad food.  We will be going our seperate ways soon.  I wish you well bad food and hope you find love somewhere else.

I only have to do a one week preop diet.  But I am starting this week to cut down and work my way down into less food.  I am not good at cold turkey situations.  I have the willpower of a fly.  But if I work my way down it will be a bit easier.  I am nervous about this diet thing (mostly because I know myself so well) but If I have to STARVE for a week to get this surgery Ill do it.  Id probably try standing on my head for a week if I had to.

Does anyone know any questions I should ask the doc?  He keeps asking me if I have any questions and I just go blank.  I tried thinking of some but I couldnt think of anything except asking how I am going to take my meds afterwards.  I see him again on the 3rd and apparently he wants questions. 

Crazy Dreams!

I am having some of the craziest dreams.  Last night I kept dreaming my mother was stealing my food.  I was very angry at her and didnt understand.  It seems like everytime I fall asleep it is something associated with this experience.  Has anyone else had this experience?  I am thinking about it constantly while awake and now in my sleep too.

18 more days till surgery!

I have been working out at the gym so I can get into a routine before hand.  I really like walking on the treadmill.  But I am having the worst problem with blisters.  My feet feel like they are going to fall off.  Not to mention how bad my back aches.  I cant wait till I can do it without even thinking about it.  I walk a mile or more every time.  I feel so akward compared to the skinny people around me that are just truckin on.  And I am trying real hard just to keep up to half their speed.

I am also quitting smoking and that is going to be my downfall in the weight department.  I have gained in the last 2 months.  I have went from 2 packs a day down to like a puff every once in a while.  But now my hand wont stay away from my face!  I have been snacking like mad.  It has a lot to do with smoking and probably a bit of the last minute "I wont be eating this ever again so bye bye"  I am changing my life and dont want to come back to the same thing.  When I have that surgery I am coming out of the operating room a changed woman!  I AM SO SICK OF THIS LIFE!  There is a healthy person inside screaming at me to get a hold of myself.  For once I think I will listen to her.

Does anyone have plans to do things when they lose weight?  I do and I think that will be a blog I do soon.  I have been fat all my life and missed out on so many fun things that everyone around me were doing.  I plan to live a full life in the years I have left.

Feelings for the day:  Been alot of smacking myself in the head when sticking my hand to my lips with things.  I wish my mind would just stop wanting things.  I can do this!!!!  MIND OVER MATTER!!

Sunday, January 24, 2010

So close now..

Well I have been through 7 months (actually 9 because I messed up) of nutrition therapy.  I have had my psych evaluation and met my surgeon.  I have all my preop testing coming up on the 3rd of feb.  Then for the crazy Liver Shrinking Diet.  I am deffinatly not looking forward to that lol  And then last but deffinatly not least SURGERY DAY FEB 11!!!! 

I have to be honest right now I am scared to death.  This is going to be my first real surgery and probably the biggest one of my life.  This surgery is going to be like being reborn.  I have read about peoples bandiversary.  I cant wait for mine!  I cant wait to see all the changes that will happen in my life good or bad.  I have always been fat and really dont know any other way to live.  My life has been molded around my weight.  I am hoping I dont have some kind of identity crisis. 

I am also scared that I will feel vunerable not being as big.  I have always been able to take care of myself in situations because I was big enough to beat ya down if I have to.  I am sure there will be alot of mental road blocks I will hit and have to break down.  I actually have no idea what to expect except what I have read in forums.  Everyone has a different experience so I guess I just wait and see what happens.

I am luckier then most because I have no out of pocket pay and an amazing support group.  Most of all my mother who is my biggest fan.  She is always behind me being the awesome cheerleader.  Anytime I feel like I am going to fall apart she is there to pick up the peices and tell me everyone screws up just get back on track.  I also have a ton of friends who are very good to me.  I guess you could say I am blessed!