I am so sick of having such an addictive personality. It is such a fight to face addictions. Relapse is something you have to fight everyday. This is true in almost all addictions. I have multiple addictions. I call them addictions because I can do it without realizing and later be so angry with myself. This band is a tool and will not do the work for me. I have to learn to control my mind. This food addiction is one of the hardest fights I have ever fought. And this week I have failed. WHYYY!!?? Why would I continually stuff food into my face knowing I have done so good. I stabbed my own self right in the back. I am having a hard time forgiving myself here. I knew damn well I was doing the wrong thing but did it anyway. I am coming on here to admit this to everyone because thats what I should do. If I took drugs Id call an AA friend so you guys are my FA friends. I stuffed junkie calorie ridden food right through my band and into my fat collection.
Tomorrow I face the doctor, for my first fill, full of shame. I am nervous about the fill because I hate needles. But I am even more scared of facing him knowing what I have done. I am going to have to speak to the dietician (because you have to for first 2 visits) and I wont lie to her. Knowing my last visit was a great one and people were so proud makes that sooo hard. I wish I could go in there with a great story of the wonderful things I am doing to work hard at losing weight. I feel like a letdown to them and myself. We have both worked so hard till lately then I just fell right off the bandwagon!
This like other relapses WILL NOT keep me from chugging on past it. I screwed up. Now I have to make it up to myself and I wll. Watching the scale move up has been like little smacks in the face. This will not be the last time I give in to an addiction I know that for sure. I just have to admit what I did, be angry with myself, forgive mysef, and move on. I will work with this fill I am getting tomorrow. I am going back to the basics with liquid and maybe that will help me focus less on food.
Sorry to be a Debbie Downer today but there will be positive to follow. Im sure!!
The thing that has helped me more than anything else has been blogging my food every day, good or bad. It keeps me honest with myself. I say fine, you can eat whatever you want, but you have to post it. I've posted everything I have eaten since December 8th.
ReplyDeleteYou have to look at it like this, each day is a new opportunity to start fresh. You can't dwell in the past because what's done is done and worrying about it wont change anything. So don't look back and make tomorrow a good day!
ReplyDeletePS- Yay for a fill!!! That should totally help! Remember, you're not alone in the way you feel. Head hunger is what got most of us to the point of needing wls. It will get easier, it just takes time.
Help is coming!!! And don't worry about the fill - it's really not so bad. Trust me - if I can do it so can you :-)
ReplyDeleteI'm sure your doctor has seen EVERYTHING and will still be proud of how far you have come. Remember - we all need the lapband for a reason!! Once restriction kicks in it will be much easier.
You know, there really is a group for food addicts - Overeaters Anonymous (OA). I've gone before and at times found it helpful to work the 12 steps with my food addiction.
ReplyDelete